After the rain, I can’t believe you got the nerve to still call me “baby”.  And I try to tell you, “No, it ain’t so” but I guess “No” just ain’t in me ‘cause I still love you like I do. Though you still do me like you do. –“After the Pain” by Betty Wright

Y’all, I am writing dis blog wid a weary an despondent heart (I been chewing on Mama T’s dictionary cos I’m so damn bored hea). Ain’t nuthin goin on but da rent, and I’m bout ta lose my ever-loving mind. I thought when I moved to Hampton dat Mama T was tryna show me who be runnin thangs roun hea. Afta da earthquake, an forest fire smoke, an hurricane, I didn think I’d evah like dat place but I came ta luv it so I been tryna give dis new home a chance. Tsk tsk tsk . . . I’m bout ready to dig my bones up and tell Mama T “later gator” cos I done had enuf.

I think e’rybody roun hea got a dog but they’on let dem outside ta run long da fence wid me so Mama T started taking me to doggy day care e’ry week an I was luvin it. I got ta be outside an play wid a bunch of dogs an get my groove on cos y’all know I like grooving. But da last time I was there, ooh chile. Ain’t even no way ta suga coat no azz whoopin so Ima just say it: dis b*tch up in hea gave me a beat down. Jealous azz skank.

So, what had happened was I’m just outside on da yard hangin wid my boyz tryna figa out which Ima get wid first when dis prissy azz terrier came strolling up ta me an Koala (a beautiful shepherd dog dat look like a koala bear) an she was like, “Hey, Koala. How you doin?” I said, “Scuse you. Don’t you see me standin hear talkin to him?” Den she gonna step between us like I ain’t even there so I called her a bald headed heffa an befo I could finish the “fa” da crazy azz b*tch turned aroun an gave me a beat down like she was Ike an I was Tina Turner. All I cud think of was dat azz whoopin I got from P-Funk an how Mama T wasn even there ta hep me. I was screamin, “Save me, Lawd. Please, Lawd. I need ya!” But it happened so fast I ain’t know what ta do cept cover my face an hope it be ovah quick. An it was. Koala stepped in wid his smooth azz an smacked her face like Will Smith tappin dat reporter, cept Koala’s slap musta had some powah behind it cos girlfriend slid across da yard and I got my azz up an ran. An I ran straight ta my run an I ain’t come out again til Mama T came a few hours later. Usually when Mama T come pick me up I’on wanna go but I was draggin her tryna get da hell up outta there. An they ain’t even tell Mama T bout da fight; she had ta find out on her own an she was pissed.

We did our usual routine when we got home. Mama T took me walkin an I was so excited when Mr. Steven pulled in his driveway wid his Mercedes ML63. I was like, “Umph, maybe he Steven Tyler daddy fo real?” That is till he stepped out of da car. What da?! Gone was Steven Tyler daddy an da man dat stepped outta dat car looked like Doc Brown on “Back to da Future.” I heard of bad hair days but da-YAM! An he had da nerve to stick his hand out ta me (how come old white people hands be spotted wid green/blue lines and see thru skin? Uck!). I wasn havin none of dat. Plus my butt was still achin from da azz whoopin I took earlier dat day so I jetted, draggin Mama T’s fat azz wid me.

When Mama T was groomin me dat night she saw da wounds an she started cussin. AT ME! She had da nerve ta say I’m always startin –ish an if I ain’t careful I ain’t gonna have no azz to get tapped if I keep messin wid other b*tches’ men. She make me so sick sumtime.

Mama T had ta take me to da vet an I knew sumthin wasn right when we walked in dat place. It smelled like da last vet place an it had da same slippery floes so I cudn run. Da nurse stuck a stick up my butt ta take my temp an had da nerve ta ask me if it hurt! I looked at her, an when she took it out, I peed on her an asked her, “Was dat wet? Well den you got yo ansa na.”

Den da vet came out an he stuck 3 needles an 4 staples  in me an he gonna give me a cookie, like that’s spose ta make me faget what he did. I spit that damn cookie out and stomped away. But I had a damn lampshade on my head so I ran into the doe an

bounced right  back to him. He tried ta catch me but I pulled away, “Don’t touch me, punk azz mofo.”

 

 

 

I got up, shook it off an tried it again. Dis time, I made it out da doe but ran into da wall in da hall. This some –ish right here.  I cain’t do nuthin. I’m runnin into walls. Knockin over –ish cos I cain’t see where da hell I’m goin. An when Mama T came home for lunch, my azz was stuck in da pet doe cos I cudn figa out how ta get that damn cone thru da flap. Mama T crazy azz laughin at me while my black an white butt flyin in da wind. Lucky for me Mama T just as vain as I am cos she done already got rid of da plastic cone an got me one of dem travel pillows she be walkin roun wid. I like it much betta but still, I just sit wishin I was anywhere but hea an ain’t a damn thing I can do about it. Sigh . . .

 

 

I’m so thru wid dis place. Can I come stay wid one of y’all? Ain’t no tellin when y’all hea from me again since I ain’t got nuthin ta tell y’all bout. Pray dat I’on die from boredom.

Peace out,
Donna

Can’t promise you no pain, no tears, oh no. Can’t say you’ll never be lonely again, my friend. But you see, there’s a remedy. There’s Someone who’s got everything you need. And if you hear what I’m saying, I’m sure you’ll agree that trouble ain’t gon’ be here everyday even though sometimes it seems like it won’t go away. After you’ve done all that you know how just to keep from breaking down just believe it’s gonna get much better after awhile.
– Trouble Ain’t by Mary Mary