Carry me back to old Virginny,
There’s where the cotton and the corn and tatoes grow,
There’s where the birds warble sweet in the springtime,
There’s where this old darkey’s heart am long’d to go.
-James A. Bland (Yes, he was a black man!)


I know y’all been wondering, “Where the heck is that Donna?”  Ummhmm, I been wonderin da same thang. We in dis ole weird place where all da houses got only one flo an there be 10 bunny rabbits in e’rybody’s yard e’ry mo’nin. An I ain’t seen not nan black person yet (Mama T say she done seen a handful, but I’on always believe what Mama T say. She been known ta zagerate da truf to me e’ry now an then.)  But I’ll tell y’all about Illinoise afta I tell y’all about my last days in Virginia.

So, Mama T was walkin roun singin an havin huhself a good ole time her last day at da looney bin. Den she came home an did her hair cos da next day was her birfday an y’all know how she likes ta do da spa thing for her day. Her hair was lookin pretty good so I guess she decided to show it off cos I was surprised when we went walkin da next day and Mama T was all dressed up an what not. She had on dis Flo Jo type outfit an nobody could tell her she wudn lookin good. An da mens was stopping her an talkin to her. One man say she look like Terri Vaughn. Who da heck is Terri Vaughn? Den anotha man say she look like Serena Williams an ax her if anybody ever tol her dat befo. She had da nerve to say yeah. Say what na? I had ta stop eatin grass cos Mama T sho nuff done lost her freakin mind. If Mama T look like Serena Williams, I look like Dr. Zira.

Now, I know I’m sexy and when I walk, I hear dat song, “My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, and they’re like, ‘It’s better than yours.’ Damn right, it’s better than yours. I can teach you,but I have to charge.” Umm hmm, I’m all dat but Dr. Zira I am not. We ain’t even in the same league an nether is Mama T and Serena so I was too threw when I heard dat. Here I am thinkin she wearin dat outfit cos she payin membrance to Ms. Griffith Joyner an she tryna show off her junk in da trunk like she on a tennis court. No shame.

Virgil Tibbs came up on us and was like, “Da-yam! Guhrl, you shole clean up good.”  Mama T jus roll her eyes. But she got his numba again an they had dessert (hmph–eyes rollin) dat evenin. I’on know what was in dat dessert but it musta been bad cos da next day, Mama T wudn singin no mo an when she went in da garage to try ta get things organized, she pulled a muscle in her back and was laid out for a few days. Sadie’s human man who be givin Mama T massages came ovah an took her to da doc. She cudn hardly walk an she bout big as Mr. C an he look like he cudn wait to get  her fat azz in da car an off him. She got sum of dem good drugs again an just laid on da couch till da day befo da movers came. Den she took me to da kennel.

While she was all laid up, I was ntertainin my boyz. Mike getting betta but a little Pomeranian came strollin by da fence wid her human woman an Mike ran unda da deck. Me an Fiddy didn know what to do so we just left him alone. I think Mike got dat PTS thing goin on.  Chance got mad cos Mike and Fiddy were hangin wid me so he gonna jump da fence an come over and start some mess. I barked in his face an told him I wudn havin none of dat. But jealousy will drive a man crazy so he tried to attack Fiddy. Fiddy may be a little smaller than Chance but he whooped Chance’s azz. You shudda seen Chance stumbling tryna get back ovah da fence. An crazy Taco was settin on da otha side laughin at him. When Chance got back in his yard, Taco say “Ha. I told yo azz ta leave dat little hussy alone.” An I said, “Who you callin a hussy?” Taco had da nerve to turn his back to me an sit his azz down, so I walked ovah to da fence, lifted my hind leg and pissed on him. He spun around an started barkin something fierce, but I just hung my tung out and laughed, “Ha ha ha!”  Taco human man made him go in da house but I cud still hear his punk azz barkin. I shole ain’t gonna miss him none. Not one bit.

Mama T took me to da kennel so I wudn be in da way while da men loaded da truck, but she was pissed when she picked me up. Dem dumb azzes packed stuff they wudn sposed to and sum of da stuff belonged to da landlord. Na Mama T got 2 lawn mowers and 3 ironing boards. Mama T ain’t cut no grass since we left Richmond. What she gonna do wid 2 lawn mowers? But she was really mad cos she downloaded all dem talkin books on her Kindle an dem movers packed up her Kindle and her meds an loaded dem on da truck. Sixteen hours is a long time ta be in a car wid a crazy woman  who sometimes sing an sometimes cussin to herself. I was missin her talkin books as much as she was. An Mama T was all swole too. But not just the lymphedema leg. Huh hands, an wrists, an nees too. She was a hot mess til she got her meds. She tried to get Walgreen’s to give her some temp meds. They wud do the blood pressure stuff but dem pain meds got street value an ain’t no way in Sheol they was gonna let some nucka come up in they town and start sellin Vicodin to da locals. So she had to pop bout 8 ibpofen cupla times a day. She got her meds an her furniture Wednesday, but she still arguin wid da company but dem chargin her for all dat ish dat ain’t hers and what she sposed to do wid it. Hot ghetto mess. Mama T say dis gonna be our last move for a while cos she is tied of dealin wid movin companies, but ain’t nuthin goin on here so we’ll see how long dat last. When we was in Hampton, Mama T would come home all da time wid her Five Guys fries an pull out some Trader Joe’s ice cream an plop her fat azz on da couch. She ain’t got no Five Guys or Trader Joe’s roun hea so I guess she be losin sum of dat big butt she been carryin roun for da las 6 months.

I’m still tryna adjust to dis new place, which I’on think I like. I’ll tell y’all more bout why next time but just wanted to let y’all know we made it. I miss da wata an da beach an my boyz. An it’s hot as heck here. It feels like July in Virginny instead of May in Illinoise. I hope it get betta cos Ima have to come visit sum of y’all if it don’t.

Ima go take a nap, but I’ll holla back.

Later gators,

T~

 

 Ooh-oo child, things are gonna get easier
Ooh-oo child, things’ll get brighter
Ooh-oo child, things are gonna get easier
Ooh-oo child, things’ll be brighter
— The 5 Stairsteps