“You is kind. You is smart. You is special.” Aibileen Clark, The Help

Can y’all believe Mama T ran off to Illinois last week an ain’t bring me nuthin back? She came back wid a bunch of bootleg movies but nuthin for me. We done watched The Help, Planet of da Apes, an Da Girl wid da Tattoo. I’on know why Mama T watch dat movie when she done seen all 3 of da Swedish versions on Netflix. I tried ta watch dem wid her but all dat readin was gettin on my nerves. I’on know how people watch foreign films when you gotta sit there an read. How you know what’s goin on? She ain’t like the US version as much as da Swedes but she ain’t pay but $2.50 for it so she ain’t mad. We gonna watch Safe House tonight. I heard Denzel is a bad mutha in dat movie. I’ll let y’all know if we like it.

But I digress . . . so Mama T took me to da kennel, an I shouda known sumthin was up when she came home on her lunch break and put me in da car. That seem ta always spell trouble for me. So we get to da kennel an there’s dis mini pincher named Batman waitin on da tech to take him in da back. An he look just like a bat too. So me an him get ta know each otha den da next thing I know, his little azz is humpin my leg. I looked at him an said, “Little man, what you think you doin? You ain’t no where near my spot.” He say, “What you talkin bout, guhrl? You know you like dat.” 😉 I was like what in da world. I looked at Mama T an we exchanged a knowing look that only women undastan. It said, “Men. Bless dey po ignant souls.”

So Batman was gruntin an makin all kinda noise an when he finish he had da nerve to lay down like he done really done sumthin. An Mama T silly azz encouraged him, talkin bout, “Batman, you put the work in didn’t you?” He gonna hang his tongue out like, “Sho you right.” I just rolled my eyes at them. Da tech came out ta take Batman to da back, an I was like, “See ya. Wudn wanna be ya.” So I start tryna drag Mama T to da doe but dat damn tile flo was slippry an I cudn get no traction. Befo I know it, a tech comin out for me an I start ta act out cos I memba what happen da last time dat same tech came out for me. He tried to stick dat damn tube up my butt cos I had a tapeworm an I wasn bout ta go nowhere wid him. But I cudn run ether so he got me an I started whining, “Please, Mama T. Don’t leave me. I be good. Please!” Dis old white woman looked at Mama T an said as she sniffled, “Their just like children, aren’t they?” Mama T looked at the woman and then started teasing me, “Hey, Donna. Na na na na na naaa . . . yo cain’t go out wid me!” The woman looked like she wanted to kick Mama T’s azz an I wanted her to but we both know Mama T wuda whooped her wid one hand so we both just smiled a sad smile at each other. Mama T didn come back an get me for 5 whole days. An when I saw her, I walked up to her an puked on her shoe. It was mostly grass but she needed to know I ain’t preciate bein left.

On da drive home I ax where she been an she say she thinkin bout movin us to Illinois to work at dis small college in Redneckville. She showed it to me on Google Earth and I was NOT impressed. I say, “Mama T, you gonna go from workin at a college wid 5 white folk ta workin at one wid 5 black folk? Ain’t you scairt?” She say e’rybody crazy an we just have ta decide which can of crazy we can tolerate. Well, I say nucka crazy make you wanna shoot sumbody an pink salmon crazy make people wanna shoot you. I rather be da one doin da shootin than getting shot, wudn y’all? An ain’t y’all heard about dat boy dat got killed in Florida cos he look suspect cos he was wearin a hoodie an carryin some Skittles and iced tea? I guess if we move Mama T gonna have ta get rid of her hoodie. Well maybe not. It is a US Navy hoodie so she might be aw’ite wid dat but she mos def gonna have ta lose da Obama 2012 baseball cap or she be swingin from sumbody tree. But she don’t know if we gonna move. The peoples want her ta start ASAP but she cain’t find nobody who rents to people wid pets (or mayb dat’s they code for no nuckas) an as much as she talk bout leavin me in da woods, y’all know Mama T ain’t goin nowhere widout me.

An if all dat ain’t bad enuf, Mama T say it’s a 16 hour drive from here to there. @_@ Man, y’all betta start prayin now. Ain’t no way in Sheol me an Mama T can be in a car for 16 hours an not kill each otha. Mama T say if she find a place an we move, Ima have ta go to da kennel while da movers pack an she gonna have ta find a kennel for me in Illinois so dey can unpack. I was like, “Uhn uhn . . . I’on think so. You ain’t gonna be leavin me wid no strangers. Don’t we usely go check out da kennel together befo you leave me there?  Ain’t nuthin betta change, boo boo.” She ax me what I pose she do wid me cos my little azz be tryna sniff all up on day movers and make dem break her stuff. I ain’t have no suggestion for her so I said, “Let’s go for a walk. Maybe sumthin come to me.”

Well, how many of y’all know da walk ain’t turn out like it was sposed to? When Mama T opened da gate ta let me out, I peeped dis fat azz raccoon tryna cross da street. Thing damn near big as me but my huntin instincts kicked in an I ripped da cabinder

Mama T: Carabiner

Whatevah . . . da latch was bent so outa shape, Mama T had to go buy one dat hikers use to make sure it be strong enuf ta hold me. So, anyway, I’m draggin my leash, da “carabiner,” an Mama T’s hands-free leash as I pounce on da coon. I guess he musta been too fat to run cos all dat noise I was makin wid all dat stuff weighin me down, his azz shuda been gone. Or maybe he just thought he was gonna whoop my azz. Lawd knows he tried. Damn coon was swingin an scratchin at me like a girl from da hood fightin at skool. I let out a howl ta call my boyz an they came runnin round a corner but they triflin azzes had da nerve to stop befo they got to me. I was like, “Yo, what y’all waitin on? Come hep me.” Mike said sumthin I ain’t undastan. He always sound like he got a bunch of spit in his mouth. An Fiddy say da raccoon look crazy an I look like I was handlin things so they was just gonna go on ovah to da gate an talk ta Mama T while I handle my bidness. An that’s just what they did, trotted they azzes ovah to da gate an started yappin wid Mama T, who hadn moved one step since I broke da latch an got away from her. She say she know dat one of us was gonna win an she was just waitin ta see which one of us was gonna be picked up and taken away by Animal Control. She makes me so sick sum times.

Chance jumped da fence an ran ta me but all his azz did was bark. I said, “Hey, what da hell wrong wid you? Get ovah hea an hep me.” He talkin bout he gonna scare da coon wid his barkin. Dat coon ain’t look like he was scairt, not one bit. So I was getting sick of da –ish an I jumped on da coon, bit down on his neck an shook da –ish out of him til his neck broke. I dropped him an nudged him wid my nose ta make sure he was dead. He was. So I rub da back of my ears up against him ta let e’rybody know I’m da one dat killed him. I picked him up an trotted ovah to da fence where e’rybody was standin. I was so pissed at Chance, Fiddy an Mike I ain’t even say nuthin to dem. They betta find sumbody else ta hump cos I’m through wid they azzes.

Some man who was drivin by when me an da coon was in da street had pulled ovah an started talkin to Mama T while I was makin my kill. He asked her if she knew if I was a stray cos he shole wud like ta take me home. Mama T told him dat she is my guardian but she say she might consider selling me to him for da right price cos she was sick of me an my –ish. When I walked up ta her, I could tell she wanted ta cuss me out like she did last time but she’on like nobody ta know she be talkin ta me. She say they might think she touched in da head. So, she just looked at me but I know what she was sayin. She had already fussed at me all mornin cos when she pulled da covers off da couches ta wash dem, she found my buried bird and squirrel an she was sayin it’s bad enuf I funk up da house wid my fartin. She ain’t gonna have me buryin dead animals in her furniture. Furniture smirnature. It’s all dirt ta me. If it ain’t hard like da sidewalk, you best believe Ima be tryna dig it up an bury sumthin.

Well, Mama T ain’t sell me to da man but I ain’t figa out what we gonna do bout dis kennel thang ether if she decide ta take dis new job. So, if y’all got some suggestions, please send em ta me. An do it quick cos Mama T gotta let dem know sumthin soon.

Later gators,
Donna

P.S. Dis for all y’all dat be callin me a heathen cos I been singin nuthin but da devil’s music lately. All I wanna know is, if y’all so holy, how come y’all know what I’m singin? Just sayin.

Here I go again. Here I go again. Crazy to believe that God can. I’ve been through the fire (and through the storm). I’ve been in the cold (He kept me warm). And I’ve never, no never, found myself all alone. – Hezekiah Walker