If you hear any noise, it’s just me and the boys hittin’ it. You gotta hit the band. Ain’t nothing but a party, y’all. “Mothership Connection” by Parliament

Woo, chile. How y’all doin? Man, this virus thing dat’s goin roun ain’t no joke, is it? Mama T was out for da count bout 2 weeks, an y’all know I ain’t preciate havin ta stay in da house while she cuperate. Thank da Lawd for da pet doe. Sumbody say she was sick as a dog but I ain’t nevah seen no dog coughin an gaggin an spittin an sweatin an sneezin an wheezin like her. An she was so weak she couldn’t even chase me when I grabbed her used Kleenex out da trash an ate dem. She don’t undastan why I do it an I cain’t splain it, ‘cept ta say it’s like how some people chew gum from da bottom of a seat. You like what you like.

So, anser me dis: when sumbody sick, ain’t you sposed ta bring dem some tea or soup or OJ? Sumthin like dat? Well den, how come Mr. Smiley come strollin ovah hea an ain’t have none of dat? Mama T open da doe an was leanin on it for support when he handed her da bag. She looked in it an pulled out a mason jar of The Recipe (those of y’all dat watch The Waltons know what I’m talkin bout, but for da rest of y’all, I guess y’all call it hot toddy). Mama T rolled her eyes at him an put it back in da bag. Den she pulled out . . . guess . . . y’all ain’t gonna guess dis . . . nope . . . uhn uhn . . . want me ta tell y’all? Ok, it was some Vicks Vapor Rub! LOL!!!!!!!!!!!! 😀 Mama T couldn talk but dat look on her face was shootin darts. Guess Mr. Smiley been watchin Friends (sorry, black folk. Mama T say ain’t no black shows on TV an she ain’t watchin no silly azz reality show so dat’s what we watch). But anyway, yep, Mama T put da rub back in da bag an pulled out a Kenny G cd. We looked at each otha an I just hunched my shoulders an walked away cos Mr. Smiley is just real special. Ain’t no otha way ta describe him. Mama T gave him back da bag and closed da doe on him. As she was walkin back up da steps to get back in bed, I called out, “Yo, Mama T. What’s dat you got in yo hand?” She turned around an winked at me an den went on back up da steps. Mama T kept dat Kenny G cd. Shole did . . .

So, since Mama T couldn walk me, I was hangin out in da back yard a lot. On Saturday I was so depressed I started moanin, “Oh freedom, oh freedom, oh freedom over me. An befo I be a slave I be buried in my grave an go home to my Lawd an be fwee.” I moaned so loud people was stoppin by da fence an givin me treats. 😉 Den dese two boxers came roun da corner. One looked like Mike Tyson an da other looked like 50 cents. They say, “Hey, why you so sad? Come on out an hang wid us.” I was like, “Dude, cain’t y’all see? I’m behind da fence.” Duh . . . They say, “No problem.” Den dey backed up and lunged into da gate 3 times. Pow. Pow. Pow. On da third hit, da gate swung open and I was fweeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Praise da, Lawd. I jumped on my boys and gave dem each a big ole sloppy kiss den we strutted off down da street, me in da middle an my boys on each side of me.

We was runnin things an was like, “we’re bustin out on da funk. We’re bustin out on some serious funk. La la la la la la la . . .”    It was so sweet. We musta been runnin roun bout an hour befo I realized I betta get my azz home befo Mama T figah out I’m gone, but we took a diffrent way home. Dang, what we do dat for? When we past by Mr. Ed’s house, he was outside wid his human. Normly when me an Mama T walk by he be raisin all kinda ruckus but dis day he just sittin there starin. So I told my boyz, “Watch dis.” An I strolled up to da middle of his yard an was like, “Yo, Mr. Ed. What’s da matter? Cat got yo balls?” An I lifted my hind leg an pissed all ovah his favorite tree. Dat made him mad so he charged at me but befo his long paws could hit da groun, my boys jumped him an proceeded to open a can of whoop azz on him. I scooted to da curb and let my boyz handle it an it was all kinda noisy. Next thing I know, somebody whistled and called my name. I look aroun an it’s Taco human man. I tell myself to ignore him but my paws ignore me an next thing I know I’m walkin in step wid him an he walk my black an white azz right back in da yard, close da gate, an put a lock on it. But instead of leavin well enuf alone, his busy-body azz go roun da front, knock on da door an proceed to tell Mama T e’rythang what had happened. Y’all, Mama T had that spankin look on her face an I know she sick but I ain’t wanna take no chance so I stayed outside til da sun went down.

Da next day Mama T decide ta try to walk me roun da block so she could ease back inta walkin but when we rounded da corner, dis German shepherd turn da corner at da same time an befo I knew it he was afta me. I said, “Forgive me, Lawd. I know Mama T sick but I need some hep.” And I jumped on Mama T an climbed her like she was a tree. When I got to da top, I wrapped my front legs roun her big azz head (I almost couldn reach her head so damn big) an I wrapped my hind legs roun her neck. Y’all know how human men be carryin they kids on they shoulder? Well, dat’s kinda what we looked like, ‘cept Mama T wasn tryna hold me up by my legs. She was tryna pull me down. An that damn dog was jumping up swatting at me like I was a fly on Mama T an his damn human woman was standin there laughin tryna find her phone instead of gettin her crazy azz dog. I’on think she knew who Mama T was cos otherwise she woulda been tryna get her dog.

Mama T managed to swing me roun so I was danglin in da air just above da dog but I bit down on her hair and was hangin on for dear life. We looked like simese twins, you know, if a human an canine could be twins. Mama T wudn pull be too hard cos she knew she’d end up wid a ball spot if she did, but befo she got me loose and just as da human woman found her phone, my boyz came boltin round da corner an was all over dat German shepherd. I let go of Mama T’s hair, jumped down and started howlin ta cheer my boyz on. I said, “Yo, Mike. Bite his ear off like you did Holyfield.” An he lunged at da dog’s ears an his human woman started wailin, “Please don’t kill my baby. Somebody hep. They’re killing my baby!” An she dropped to her knees and was ballin and after Mama T stopped coughin, she yelled (as much as she could wid a hoarse voice), ‘Everybody shut da f*ck up! Right got damn now!” An da woman sat down on da groun an pulled her legs to her chest an wiped da snot on her jacket. An me an da other 3 dogs sat down on da groun an looked at Mama T. She walked over to da woman an said, “Get yo azz up an get yo damn dog. An the next time you see us, you better turn your azz around an go the other way or we gonna seriously hurt you and yo damn dog. You hear me?” Da woman look like she finally got it: crazy black woman wid da stun gun. So she hurry up an got the hell up out of there. Her dog was just about draggin her down the street cos he was ret ta go too.

Den Mama T went over to Mike and Fiddy an was like, “Give me some!” An they jumped up on her and she stuck her hand out and let them lick her gloved hand. I tried to get some an she made me sit my azz down. After she thanked them she told them ta sit an she started talkin to dem, tellin dem they gotta stop leavin they yard an attackin other dogs or somebody gonna call da animal control an have dem put down. They whined cos they don’t wanna be put down. Den they rolled over an Mama T gave them a belly rub, clapped her hand an said, “Let’s go.” We all jumped up, me in da front. My boyz in da middle but one on each side of me an Mama T bringin up da rear an we walked Mike an Fiddy home so we could know where they live so I can walk by there e’ry day. Then we went home . . .

And Mama T went off. She was talkin crazy, talkin bout, “Donna, I’m getting sick an tired of yo sh*t. If I had wanted a damn teenaged daughter, I would have had one. Yo ain’t gonna be runnin roun her like some damn trollop wid no home trainin, bustin out da gate like some fast azz sneakin out da window at night. I ain’t playin wid you. An you betta be glad you spayed cos I ain’t gonna be raisin no mutts if yo azz end up pregnant. You hear me? Look at me when I’m talkin to you.”

@_@ . . .

8-׀ . . . .

:-׀ . . .

I know y’all sometimes faget I’m a canine an Mama T was sick, but she was trippin. Y’all be proud of me cos I just walked away. Had ta leave dat alone cos dat was some kinda crazy talk. Umph, umph, umph . . .

Anyway, I LOVE my life. It’s always sumthin goin on an e’rybody just a squirrel tryna get a nut in my world. Life is sweet. Joy’s complete. Thank, God. I’m saved. OK, again. I know dis a gospel song so what I said last time goes here too.

Gotta go see who’s out strollin tonight.

Wudn wanna be ya!
Donna