Who in the hell left the gate open?! – Rev. B.W. Smith (From “Watch Them Dogs”)

Well happy, happy New Year, y’all. What’s the good news? I must say, y’all ain’t no kinda friends. I was sposed ta be sendin y’all a remix of “Twas da Night Befo Chrismas” an y’all ain’t even call or email me to see why I ain’t post it. Mama T always callin me fickle, but y’all da ones dat fickle. An even tho you ain’t ask where I been or how I been, Ima tell y’all in-t-way.

A few days befo Christmas, me an Mama T was walkin an I came upon a fish dat somebody musta dropped. So, y’all know I tore into it an it was so good, but it tow my stomach up. Whoo weee . . . Mama T say I was funkin up da house an she kept kickin me outside. But Ima house dog now so I’on be tryna be outside for no good reason. Well, dat night I couldn’t sleep cos of my stomach an it was kinda cold so Mama T had closed da pet doe. When I woke her up ta let me out, instead of her dumb azz takin off her sleep mask, she decides she gonna keep it on while she walk down da steps to the sunroom ta let me out. Nah, dis da woman who still be lookin for light switches and plugs when she walk in a room so I’on havta tell y’all what happen, do I? Yep, y’all right. Mama T crazy azz missed da bottom 2 steps, bounced off da doe into da coat tree den bumped her head on da wall befo she finally ended up on da flo. Dat po coat tree didn’t survive. It was mangled in bout 20 pieces when she finally ran outta steam. Den she gonna sit there all stunned like she cain’t believe what happened, one hand rubbin her ankle an da other rubbin her neck. What da hell she think gonna happen when it’s pitch black in da house AN she got her eyes covered an cain’t see sh*t? She keeps sittin an I’m whining cos I still gots ta go. She wasn’t movin fast enuf for me so I farted in her face an her azz jumped up fast but musta been too fast cos she went crashin back down to da groun. She crawled to da doe ta let me out. I was out there a good long time but when I came back in, guess Mama T had decided dem steps might kill her if she tried to go back up cos she was all curled up on da flo sleepin. I jumped over her and went up stairs to my chair an went back ta sleep.

Dat was bout 2am so at 5am I got up as usual cos it was time for us to walk but Mama T told me ta get the f*ck out of her face so I had ta go walk myself in da back yard. At some point in da day, Mama T got her funky butt up, took a shower an went to da doc. She was limpin so I was spectin her ta come back wid her ankle wrapped. Turns out her ankle was fine, just a little swole from da fall. But she done messed up her neck again and knocked her back all outta wack so doc gave her some drugs that had her laughin and talkin to herself all day. An she went to da doc e’ry other day to get her back an neck adjusted. But she could still walk so we walked e’ryday, just not as long as we normally do.

Y’all know how Mama T be lookin all special when we walk? Well, tryta imagine her in her baggy sweats wid da load in da back, Rams baseball cap, NAVY hoodie, scarf round her neck all drugged out walkin and talkin ta herself. She looked like a homeless person. Oh, sorry homeless people. I ain’t mean to offend y’all, but y’all know how some of y’all be lookin. I’m just tryna hep da family undastan why I had ta do what I did next.

So we was walkin roun da VA hospital, guess cos Mama T thought she might fit in wid some of da war vets who came back a little touched in da head. I’m sniffin out da chicken bones cos I know Mama T ain’t gonna fight me an she standin there blowin her nose an dis man came runnin up on us. Now I know some of y’all humans like to run for exercise but don’t be runnin up on no human an her canine from behind. That’s gonna get y’all killed one of these days. Dis man who ain’t have on no runnin clothes came upon us like he was bout ta snatch Mama T’s bag off her belt, probly thinkin it got money in it but it ain’t got nuthin in it but my poop bags and dem surgical gloves. Well, I might be a wuss most of da time but Mama T wudn in no condition to protect me so I had ta protect her.

I growled at da man GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Den I lunged at his crotch. Since he wanna be walkin aroun saggin for easy access, I decided I was gonna give him easy access in da front too. Da man went down. I ripped a hole in his jeans den started pullin one of da pant legs down. Da man was cussin an yellin at Mama T to get her crazy dog off him an beggin me not to kill him. I got his pant leg off befo Mama T finally found the energy to stop me. Then da po-po came strollin over like he just finished da best donut he evah had an said, “Ma’am, is e’rythang alright?” Mr. Boxers not Briefs starts yellin at da po-po, “Why you askin her if e’rythang alright? I’m da one dat’s been attacked by dat crazy azz dog. I wanna press charges.” Mama T gave him da Mr. Ed human look an he shut up an looked at da po-po.

Po-po say, “Sir, I was sittin in my car over there and it looked to me like this dog was just protecting his owner. And the dog is pretty securely strapped to his owner. Now, you can file a report if you want to but I’m willing to bet that when we pull the security tape, your behavior will look suspicious to anyone who sees it. Would you like to go into the hospital to get the tape?” Boxers pulled up his pants an started cussin again but he wudn’t saggin no mo as he walked away. An I was yellin at da cop, “I ain’t no ‘he’ and Mama T ain’t my owner. She my human guardian. I ain’t nobody’s property. I can leave anytime I wanna. Tell him, Mama T.” She just looked at me an rolled her eyes. Well, least y’all now know why I call Mama T my human an not my owner.

When Mr. Boxers got to da corner and turned da block, Mama T an da cop looked at each other an started crackin up. Da cop say, “Lord, I was so glad he had on boxers. That would have been some sight if he had on some thongs.” Den Mama T say, “Or if Donna had pulled off his boxers when she bit that hole in his crotch.” They bust out laughin again. Den po-po say, “Hi, Miss Donna. Your mama is very lucky to have you.” I say, “Damn skippy.” But it came out, “Ruff, awruff.” Den I gotta sit there while Mama T got da nerve ta try an flirt. Ain’t this a blip. I think he was just bein a gentleman an didn wanna hurt Mama T’s feelins cos she runnin aroun lookin like Ma Mabley an ain’t got no shame. He probly thought she be treated at da VA on da regular an y’all know how people be tellin soldiers, “Thank you for your service.” Him bein nice ta Mama T was his way of sayin thank ya fo yo service even tho she ain’t served nobody.

But he was fi-INE. An he had the whitest teefes against that blue-black skin. Slurp . . . y’all know Mama T got this thing about teeth. E’ry night when she finish brushin me she tryn brush my teef but I ain’t havin it. Den she start singin dat song from dat old commercial: “Dey call me yuck mouth cos I don’t brush oh I like my teeth like dis.” She can sing all she want to. I ain’t letting her brush my teeth.

So, po-po say he be seein us roun an he even know what kinda car Mama T drive. Uh oh . . . How you hide from a stalker cop? Cops be crazy so Mama T betta leave dat alone. He gave Mama T his card. She lost it when she was blowin her nose. But since he be watchin us, we probly see him again. I’ll let y’all know if I have to bite his crotch too.

In da meantime, Mama T say I’m gettin too big fo my bridges cos I done found my swag. She say Ima be like dat dog in da “Watch Dem Dogs” sermon, talkin bout who in da hell left da gate open after I get my azz whooped. I’on know bout dat. I told her P-funk just lucky she ain’t meet me now.

What y’all thank?

 

Who’s da baddest of dem all?
Donna (y’all betta recognize!)