What up, y’all? Did y’all have a good Thanksgiving? Our little swa-ray turned into an intimate little dinner. Mama T came home early on Wednesday and took me to da vet. When we was drivin there she had da nerve to tell me I’d betta not clown. I was like, “Clown? Me? Well I nevah.” An she was like, “I’m not playing with you, Donna. I have work to do and I don’t have all day to be hanging out at the vet so you do what they say and we can get the heck up out of there. You hear me?” E’rybody on da East Coast hea you, Mama T. Dang. Just shut up an drive.

So we get ta da vet an e’rybody and dey human mama cousin up in there. You would think dey was givin away free squirrels or sumthin da way all dem dogs was panting and barking. An e’ry toy dog in da city was up in dat mickey flick.  A Shih Tzu was yackin up a storm, barin his fangs and droolin at da mouth. I’on know why these damn little dogs be tryna act all bad an stuff. Dey got some kinda Napoleon complexes, don’t dey? Umph . . .  So I stood near da crazy dog an let out da loudest bark I evah did an damn dog had da nerve ta looked at me like I was da one crazy. SMH . . . Psycho was wid a mini pinscher dat look like he had been scared  -ishless. He was shakin sumthin fierce and he ain’t have no hair nowhere. So I sat down by him an started talkin to him:

Me: “Dude, why you shakin like dat? Don’t let dat maniac make you his b*tch. What’s wrong wid you? Ain’t yo human hep you none? Man up.”

Hairless Harry: “Easy for you to say. Look how big you are. If I was your size, I’d be more confident too.”

Me: “Size ain’t got nuthin ta do wid it. I was a wus like you an Mama T whipped me inta shape. Now I rule da world. An you can too. Tell you what, next time Psycho start actin all crazy, bite his balls. Bet he leave you lone den.”

Hairless Harry: “You trying to get me killed?! You’re crazy. He gonna kick my azz once he stop squealing if I do that.”

Me: Now he ain’t, if you start droolin like you crazy too. His punk azz gonna leave you lone. Trust me. I ain’t gonna lead you stray.”

Hairless Harry: “Ok. I’ll try it and I’ll let you know if it works. Can I sniff your butt so I can come find you and tell you how it turns out?”

Me: Sure, here ya go (turning my butt to his face so he can get a whiff).

Nurse: Donna Williams.

Me: Well, dat’s me. Gotta run but you memba what I say.

Hairless Harry: Nod. “Thanks, and bye!”

I got up an strolled away but not befo I gave a snarl to dat funky Psycho. When we got in da back, da vet was waiting. I was like, “Hey, George O’Malley. How you doin’ today?”  He kneeled down and let me give him a kiss on da mouth an he an Mama T started talkin bout my weight. Den da nurse took me in da back and weighed me. When I came back, da vet gave me a big hug. It lasted a minute. Den we left. When we got in da car, Mama T say, “Donna, I am so proud of you. Did you see how calm that Pinscher was while you were sitting next to him? You are really taking ‘coming of age’ seriously, aren’t you?” I was like, well, you know, what can I say? I’m looking forward to my birthday next week. Den Mama T say, “And you didn’t even clown when the vet gave you your shots. You are definitely growing up!”

Say what na? What shots? When did he give me a shot? Mama T say dat when da vet was huggin me, he was grabbin some of my fat an he gave me 5 shots! Ain’t that a b*tch? That no-good-son-of-a-Doogie-Howser-wanna-be tricked me! I’on believe this –ish. If dat wudn’t bad enuf, Mama T had da nerve ta say dat if my fat azz wudn’t so fat, I wudda felt da needles. She say dat I weigh twice (2xs) what I weighed when she brought me home so she puttin me on a diet. 😦

I asked Mama T if I could go see Smokey for some inspiration so we walked by Smokey’s house when we got home. As usual, Smokey fat azz was lyin on da porch so I strolled up an say, “Hey, Smokey. I’m goin on a diet an Mama T bought a agility trainin kit so I can start workin out in da back yard. You want me ta ax yo human if you can come ovah and play wid me?” Smokey was like, “Hell no. Do I look like I wanna run around your back yard? You talking crazy. Get away from me.” An his fat azz rolled over, snorted, and went to sleep.

I’on wanna do dis by myself so I asked if we could go find Molly. Mama T was like, “Hell no.” She saw Molly poop on da downtown sidewalk one day and her human didn’t even pick it up. When Molly was done, she just strolled away. Mama T say dat mean her human don’t nevah pick up after her. I say, “How you know dat, Mama T.” An she axed me what I do when I poop.  An I knew she was right cos when I poop, I step to da side while Mama T pick it up an I’on move til she got it safely secured so none won’t leak. So Molly must not be used ta waitin cos she didn even think about steppin aside. Guess Ima be doin dis thang alone.  Sigh . . .

When we got home, Mama T emailed (cos y’all know she ain’t callin nobody) e’rybody dat was sposed to come ovah ta tell dem not ta feed me when dey come. But turns out wudn harly nobody comin. Da man in his wife had a baby an dey say probly not good to bring him out since he only 3 days old. An da woman decided she was missin her boo so she gonna go get her groove on. Dat just leave one person an y’all shudda seen him when he came ovah.

When da doe bell rang, I was already sittin there so I could see e’rythang when Mama T open it. Dat man had da biggest grin on his face. He had roses in one hand an some rawhide in da otha and I was like, “Don’t just stan there, Mama T. Let him in.” But Mama T crazy azz just stood there cos da man started coughin an Mama T was yellin at him bout bringin his germs up in her house (guess she told him not ta come if he still be sick but he look like ain’t nuthin gonna keep him from Mama T). When he stop coughin, Mama T open da doe an hand him a hand wipe. He came in an his pants had a crease so sharp, I was scared I’d get cut if I got too close ta him. An he had on dis silk shirt an a vest. Dude got all decked out.

Den I looked at Mama T. She had on her houseshoes dat I done chewed up. Some jeans (I ain’t even know Mama T own any jeans. Dis da first time in 2 years I done seen her in any). Her sweater made her chest look like two waffle cones. She ain’t have no make-up on, not even her eyebrows. An her hair wudn combed. OK, she don’t *comb* locs but usely when she take her bonnet off, she at least run her fingers thru it so it look descent. Not today. She had a serious bed head look goin on. Mr. Smiley had da nerve ta say Mama T look beautiful an den I was like, “Ooh ooh wee! Swirl, Mama T?” An she rolled her eyes at me. Hahaha! Aww suki suki now. White men luv dem some Mama T. Mama T say ain’t no chance in Sheol, plus technically she his supervisor so she say sumthin bout sexual harassment. But he look like he was sayin, “Harass me, baby. Har ASS me!”

Mama T told him to go wash his hands for 30 seconds and she turned on da timer to make sure he didn turn da water off befo the 30 seconds was up. While he was washin his hands I tol Mama T dat if she ain’t want him lookin all googly eyed at her, she needed ta take dat sweater off cos he didn want no fries wid dat shake. He wanted a hot fudge sundae wid da works in dem waffle cones! Den she told him to go sit in the livin room an she handed him some OJ, tissue, hand wipes, cough drops an da remote while she ‘scused herself.

Mama T went upstairs an tried on 3 shirts befo we realized dat $50 bra she just bought on sale was workin wonders but she ain’t want it ta work no wonders on him so she took it off an put on a sports bra cos dat don’t do nuthin but smash her chest down. Den she put on her sweats an was lookin like the frumpy Mama T I know an luv. But not to Mr. Smiley. He still thought she was lovely. Dat man was smitten. So Mama T hurry up and fed him an rushed him out da doe. He looked sad when he had ta leave but he looked like he be plannin ta come back too. I’ll let y’all know if I see him again, specially if he be a stalker.

Well I’m bouta bounce. They say da mo a human sleep da healthier his weight so Ima tryn sleep some after I get Mama T off my back. She got some of da agility course set up. I’on know bout dat tunnel; it look a bit scary but I gotta go run aroun in it so I’ll holla back later.

The new poster child for canine obesity, :-[
Donna