Now I’m gonna make mistakes from time to time,
but in the end believe that I’m gone fly.
No matter if I’m wrong or if I’m right.
(These are the pieces of me)
— Ledisi

Dear Family and Friends,

It has been brought to my attention through the many questions that have been submitted that some of you have concerns about the way I speak. You have suggested to Mama T that, perhaps, I should be enrolled in an English class to learn to speak appropriately because my grammar might be unduly influencing young people who need to be consistently reminded of the importance of speaking correctly. I, too, believe that it is important for today’s youth to be able to distinguish between slang/social media language and professional language, and it would behoove them to learn this important lesson to be successful in certain human circles. But to all of you who have made your concerns known, I’d like to say to you . . . .

WTF?!?!? I’m a damn dog. A multi-lingual dog, mind you but a dog none the less. Y’all trippin. I ain’t takin no English classes. I like the way I talk, and half of y’all don’t speak no betta than me an y’all human so STFU! If I want to speak da Queen’s English, I can cos you cheeky monkies gets on my tits (translation: obnoxious people get on my nerves). If you don’t like the way I speak, ain’t nobody tell you to read the damn blog. Déjame en paz (that’s Spanish for leave me the frack alone). Now bounce and don’t let da doe hit ya where da good Lawd split ya.  X(

Now that we done got rid of the riff raff, how y’all doin? Don’t y’all hate a bourgie Negress? Umph, ain’t got nuthin betta ta do than waste my time. Like I don’t have a life. My life is quite full, thank ya very much, specially now that Mama T got me takin obedience class. Hahahahaha!!!!!! Can y’all believe that? Mama T actually think she can tame me. Bless her heart. She’ll learn.

We started class last week and when we was drivin there, Mama T told me I betta not embarrass her. I was like, “What? Get serious, Mama T. You embarrass me e’ryday.” She done traded in her leggings for sweats and dey all baggy an she look like she carryin a load in her butt. But she got da nerve to tell me not to embarrass her? Umhmm . . . whatever.

When we got to da trainer’s, I strolled in an let e’rybody know I had arrived an of course dey all started howlin at me. So I strutted around and said hey to e’rybody. There was a border collie an 2 black labs (1 male and 1 female) an a Bassett hound (he looked like he had a cold but Mama T say they all look like that an that’s why she always cleaning my eyes out so I won’t look like dat. I ain’t know why she always be diggin in my eyes but now I see and I’m glad she do. Yuck!) An a boxer, a terrier and a funky actin sheep. Dat sheep kept tryna jump on me but I told him, “Ain’t nobody scairt of you. Bring yo azz ovah hea so I can make Mama T a sweater.” An he ran his punk butt between his human woman legs. Yeah, he know what’s up.

Da teacher say I’m very obedient for a hound dog. 😀  Ha! How ya like dat, Mama T? Guess she don’t cos when we got in da car to go home an I was tryna sleep, Mama T was fussin sayin sumthin bout dat ain’t no compliment. She say, “You know how many freakin dog breeds there are? Saying you are obedient for a hound dog is like some dumb azz saying somebody cute for a dark girl. GTFOOH with that. Next time, she needs to say, ‘Good girl, Donna. You are a very good dog.’ Period. No qualifications. Got that, Donna?”

(*-*) Wide-eyed stare . . .   😐 Straight face  . . .  crickets, crickets, crickets.

Sound like somebody got some issues, don’t it?

Mama T, WTH you talkin bout? Dat’s stupid. How you gonna spend money to have me trained den tell me to act like I’m already trained when I go there? You startin to sound as crazy (well, you is crazy but now you sound crazy too) as those people you work wid. SMDH. Which leads to the first question that Ima answer from y’all.

Several of y’all have said dat y’all heard dat me an Mama T act just alike. Heaven hep us if dat be true. I already done told y’all dat Mama T an acquired taste. Maybe I am too but she special. Short bus special, ‘member? But y’all wanna know how much like Mama T I really am? Dey say dat dogs take on da personalities of dey owners, but I’on need to take on Mama T’s personality when I got a perfectly good one myself. 😉

Let’s see. Me an Mama T both got allergies. We both got acid reflux. We both got skin disorders (Mama T has seborrhoeic dermatitis and I have the doggy version of dat). We both need to loose some weight (Mama T done gained 8 lbs since we moved here and I done gained . . . cough . . . cough . . .  cough . . . clearing my thoat . . .) We both need our beauty rest and don’t like it when people be tryna interrupt it. And we both stubborn as hell. But dat’s about where da similarities end. 

Mama T is a wallflower and I’m a social butterfly (but da people at the SPCA told her I was a wallflower when she rescued me. Boy were dey wrong!). Mama T try ta keep attention offa her. I’m always tryna get people to pay attention to me. And I’m ALWAYS ret to go somewhere. Anywhere. Everywhere. Mama T could stay in da house for a month an it wouldn’t bother her one bit. Mama T has a seafood allergy but I love me some seafood.

One day ‘bout a month after we moved hea, dis man was walking cross da bridge after fishin and I started growlin at him. He was scairt so he tried ta scoot away but I lunged and his cooler tipped ovah. Oooweee!! I was on it like Herman Cain on a white woman. I got a fish, a crab an a oyster in my mouth and me an Mama T was fightin somethin fierce. Da man scooped up what was left and scurried outta there while me an Mama T kept goin at it. Mama T got the oyster cos dat shell was holdin me back, but I managed to finish off da fish an crab and dey was sum kinda good. Yessirree!

So, me an Mama T get along cos we enuf alike dat we understand each other but different enuf dat it nevah gets boring. I ain’t tryna change her and she ain’t tryna change me, ‘cept ta make me listen to her so I won’t eat sumthin that’ll kill me but other than dat, she let me do me. And I like me. Y’all must like me too since y’all keep comin back an readin (‘cept dem booshi heifas).

I’ll be weavin one of y’all questions into da blogs instead of doin just a Q&A. An Ima be postin a quick reference for y’all dat’s culturally challenged. I’on know how nobody can be friends wid Mama T ghetto-fab-intellectual azz widout knowin some black culture. Y’all gonna learn tho.

Yeah, Ima keep doin me and y’all keep comin back.

People just don’t know what I’m about.
They haven’t seen what’s there behind my smile.
There’s so much more of me I’m showin out.
(These are the pieces of me)

Dueces,
Donna