‘Sup, y’all. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know. I was ‘sposed ta be answerin y’all questions in dis blog but I gots ta tell y’all sumthin. I’ll do the Q&A next time cos y’all ain’t gonna believe what done happen to me.
After da last time I wrote y’all, Mama T got put on my list and it took a minute for her ta get off. An since she type fo me, I ain’t have nobody ta let y’all know what’s been goin on.
See, we was walkin one day and I stopped to do my business but it wouldn’t all come out. I was rubbin my butt against the groun and it was still hangin. Mama T already had on a pair of gloves and her hand in a bag waitin to clean up after me but when she saw me strugglin, she put on 2 mo pairs of dem gloves and den it was like Bobby Brown and Whitney Houston. Y’all ‘member on “Bein Bobby Brown” when he said he had to dig a doodie bubble out of Whitney den she said, “Dat’s love. Dat’s love. Black love.” Well, dat was me an Mama T dat day ‘cept Mama T wasn’t diggin no doodie bubble out. She was pullin a tapeworm outta me! 😮
Ooh ooh weee, y’all shoulda seen it. It took Mama T 5 minutes to get that thing outta me.
Mama T: It was barely a minute. You have no sense of time.
Tell you what, Mama T. When somebody pull a 3 foot tapeworm outta yo butt, tell me den if it felt like 5 minutes or 1. In the meantime, stop yo yackin.
So anyway, Mama T is a pulling and when she finally gets it out, I rub my butt against da groun for a minute den I get up and shake it off cos I’m ret to go. But Mama T crazy butt is stretchin out the damn thing tryna figa out how long it is. She ain’t have no ruler so she had ta use dem big azz feet of hers ta measure it. I was getting fustaded so I started jumpin and howlin an she just ignored me. Den I peeped a bird hiding ‘tween the bars around the trash can on da corner and I charged, draggin Mama T long wid me. I got da bird 😉 an thought we was good ta go but den Mama T dragged me back to da tapeworm and she put it in a bag an we strolled on home.
Da next day when Mama T came home for lunch, she put on her robe and said, “Gotcha!” Silly me, I thought she was ready to play wid me but she scooped me up and put me in da car. Next thing I know I’m at da vet an these 2 men tryna hold me down so they can stick a pipe up my butt! AW HELL TA DA NAW! I wasn’t tryna go out like dat so I bit one of dem and jumped up off da table an started runnin. Wasn’t nowhere ta run but I wore dem men out runnin in a circle, unda da table, thru dey legs. Mama T had da nerve to tell me ta stop clowning. CLOWNING?!?! What da . . . . I told Mama T ta get her azz up on da table and let dem stick dat pipe up her butt. I bet instead of takin it like a man, she be hollerin like a b*tch. She tryna act all bad an stuff but she da one always tellin dese boys roun here “Don’t drop da soap” when dey be saggin walkin down da street. Yeah, let her get on da table an see how she like it.
Mama T told da men dey needed to do what dey need to do den next thing I know, a woman comin up in there with a long azz needle. Hell naw! Uhn uhn . . . I’on know what wrong wid dese damn people but dey got the wrong one. I told Mama T I was goin for da kill so dey betta knock me da hell out . . . and dat’s zactly what dey did.
Next thang I know I’m at home in my favorite chair an it’s pitch black outside an in da house and Mama T done put my muzzle on my mouth. I start thrashin roun tryna get da damn thang off. Den I wake up Mama T an she splain to me dat my tapeworm was either caused by me eating too much raw meat (I’ve been doin real good here an I’ll tell y’all bout it in da Q&A since somebody axed) or I ingested some rodent poop (Yuk!) an since we wouldn’t know which was the cause til da tesses come back, da muzzle would keep me from eatin stuff I shouldn’t when I go outside.
Well, if I cain’t be me, I ain’t free so I wouldn’t go for walks or nuthin til Mama T took dat thing offa me. She tried to coaxed me but I just plopped my fat azz down an didn’t move. Yeah, I went out when I had ta go but dat was it. Two days later Mama T came home for lunch again an put me in da car an since I was depressed an just lyin roun doin nuthin she didn’t have ta play gotcha ta get me ta go wid her. Den she had da nerve to drive me back to da vet. I was like, “Mama T, I luvs you but ain’t no way in hell I’m goin back in there.” Mama T tried to give me dat evil look she be givin all da other dogs roun here but I was like, “Ain’t nobody scared of you, Mama T. I’ll bite you just like I did dem men if you try ta take me back in dat place.” Mama T just picked me up like she ain’t even hear me an since I had da muzzle on, I couldn’t do nuthin but lick her. Even tho that grosses her out, it don’t hurt none like a bite so it didn’t stop her from takin me in. 😦
An she had da nerve to leave me there for 3 days cos she had to go on a retreat for work. (She was cussin up a storm ‘bout dat retreat. None of y’all must be what Mama T call “prayer warriors” cos only thing change roun da Williams house is Mama T started using *certain* cuss words again an I’m cussin too. Y’all don’t know what y’all doin so if y’all know some real prayer warriors, y’all need to ax sumbody cos we need some hep roun here). So it was bout a week befo I talked ta Mama T.
Afta Mama T pick me up from da vet, she got a sty on her eye from all da filthiness an mold an mildew at her work so she couldn’t see for a minute. (An it looked nasty too, oozin and stuff. She was walkin roun in her scription sunglasses so nobody roun here be grossed out when dey look at her but she ain’t care if I be grossed out at home. She ain’t have ta worry bout me lickin her while dat thang was on her eye. I like stank but I stayed away from her cos dat was too stank.)
Anyway, da tapeworm was caused by da mouse poo so Mama T hired somebody to come hep her clean da basement to make sure I’on snort no mo poo but she ain’t gotta worry bout me evah goin in dat basement again. (Tell y’all bout it in da Q&A.) Mama T didn’t take no pics of my tapeworm but if y’all wanna see a similar one, dis is what my tapeworm looked like, cept mine had just come outta me so . . .you know . . . it wasn’t as . . . ahem . . . clean.
Me an Mama T been busy livin life an dat’s why y’all ain’t heard from us. Thanks to e’rybody who emailed me at prima.donna.williams@gmail.com. I’ll be ansirin y’all questions next week.
Peace,
Donna
aintthatabtch 
Dang ma! sounds like you havin’ a ruff time there and before I forget…you could have saved that picture-don’t wanna see dat!!
you must refine your palate babes- no animal poop whatsoeva!! It’s fine to kill a bird or squirrel fo some meat but sh**??? naw girl….back off dat!!
I’ll holla!
Nero
What u talkin bout? Dat ain’t no poop. Dat’s da worm and it’s real clean compared to mine. :p Mama T was tryna have it so you can click on da link but she obviously did sumthin wrong since the pic appeared instead of da link. Oh well. Long as you wasn’t eatin when you seen it, you be aw-ite.
Yep, we been goin thru. Mama T say some old person said sumthin bout thangs dat don’t kill you make you strong. Bump dat! I’on wanna be strong. I just wanna enjoy life, know what I’m sayin?
So now you know why I ain’t said nuthin to yo posts. I like da pic but ain’t a mastif a big dog? (the one down da street look like Smokey da Bear) You look kinda small in da pic, but yo head look big tho. An why you lookin at da camera? I be givin Mama T grief when she try to take a pic of me cos I ain’t bout to be lookin at no camera. Yo human must have you trained good.
Mama T say she tied so I gotta go. She had a massage today an she all chill so maybe it’ll last all week and she’ll let me holla back at ya.
Til den, peace out.
D~
I forgot: I don’t eat poop. It’s dem other dogs, ‘member? wink 😉 And I didn’t eat no mouse poo either. I inhaled it when Mama T locked me in da basement for makin her fall off da ladder an I was tryna find a way to escape. So, it’s her fault I had a worm an Ima milk it jus like I did when I had to go to emergency for biten her can of mace and when I got stitches after I almost sliced off my paw when I stepped on dat broken 40 oz. Yeah, Mama T gonna be my flunky for a minute.
So mama T comes home for lunch, puts on a robe to take you to the vet. Hmmm are the vet prices that high?
Well, we are in a recession an Mama T say my insurance don’t cover e’rythang so yeah, da vet is dat high. But Mama T put on her robe cos I shed a lot an she was in her work clothes an didn’t wanna get no hair on her. She got special clothes she wear roun da house for me but she ain’t have dem on when she came home. So now you know.
Donna! You are something else! MOUSE POO!!!! REALLY?!?! From the time I spent with you while Mama T was away, I’m just glad you didn’t take me through any of those changes. Caesar just asked about the recession when he learned of his food cost but He really wanted to know when could he come a visit.
Hey Mr. Albert, why yo name say “RocTurner”? What dat mean? What you been up to? I told Mama T I wanna see Cesar but she say you busy an don’t have no time to be drivin all ovah da place. Tell Mr. C he can visit any time. He may have ta keep me company without Mama T tho cos her crazy work people be tellin her she gotta work at the last minute and she be cussin sumthin fierce. He probly ain’t use to all dat cussin no way so it might be bettah if she ain’t home anyway. Lemme know when y’all comin an holla back!