Disappointments. Here and there. But I find my strength in prayer. While you’re praying too, I ask of you say a little prayer for me. – Thomas Dorsey

Hey, y’all. Did ya miss me? We’ll I sho missed y’all. Mama T an dis new job ain’t workin for me. I’on think it’s workin for her either. She ain’t used to workin wid her people an I think dey may be drivin her crazy.

I’on know what’s in da water hea but e’rybody all weird. Da male dogs done turned on me and I got 2 girlfriends. Ain’t that a blip? Yeah, Sadie lives next doe and she a 3 years old pit bull. Mama T is always tellin her how gorgeous she is an she jumped over da fence one day so she could try to lick Mama T. Y’all know what Mama T did? She put on a pair of those surgical gloves she be wearin when she clean up after me an she picked Sadie up an put Sadie back in her yard and went in da house an took a shower. Guess Sadie ain’t dat cute hunh, Mama T? Or Mama T was having flashbacks of P-Funk covering her in poop.

And Molly is my other friend. She a 3 years old black lab and me an her see each other when we be walkin an her human always bring her ovah to us cos Mama T sho ain’t bout to be lettin me drag her cross da street to Molly. I like havin girlfiends but I miss havin a man too. I’on know what Ima do since da male dogs hea don’t know how ta come correct. An like Mama T say, either come correct or don’t come at all.

Da other day, me an Mama T walked out da doe for our … Mama T what you call it?

Mama T: Evening constitution.

Yeah, our eve’nin constution and I was chewin on grass (I love da way it tastes when it’s wet) and Mama T was fiddlin round wid her MP3 player (yeah, da one in da car was stolen but dat was her car/travel MP3. She got 2 for da belt, ‘scuse me, “hands-free leash” she wear when we walkin, an one for da house. She used to have one for work, but I ate that one up when I first came ta live wid her an she ain’t got a new one yet so now she only have 3).

Anyway, we wasn’t payin no tention ta our surroundins and dis big azz horse dat live 2 doors down decided he was gonna have me and he came runnin outta nowhere. And by da time me and Mama T looked up and saw him comin, he was slidin into me. (It had rained so e’rythang was wet.) Dat damn dog knocked me off my paws and damn near knocked Mama T down too. Thank da Lawd the road was wet cos his azz slid right across the street and hit the pole. Boom! I woulda laughed but y’all already know I ain’t no fool or stupid so you know I was tryna figure out how to get da hell outa there.

It took him a minute to catch his breath an while he was doin that I ran between Mama T’s legs so she could protect me. When Mr. Ed got up and I saw how big he is, I started prayin da sinner’s prayer: Now I lay me down ta sleep. I pray da Lawd my soul ta keep. If I die when dis dog ring my bell, please don’t let me burn in hell. Amen.

Mama T: That is not the sinner’s prayer.

May not be yo sinner’s prayer but it sho was mine dat day.

I ain’t think Mama T was gonna be able to protect me from Mr. Ed. He is tall as she is, if she ain’t have no head. So, Mr. Ed get up and shake it off and starts ta charge again. Mama T reached fo her belt but she ain’t need what she was getting cos Mr. Ed human blocked him and tackled him ta da groun. Dat human look like he bout two fiddy pounds and he was strugglin wid Mr. Ed so you know Mr. Ed was gonna rip me up an hurt Mama T bad. Da man asked Mama T if I was in heat cos Mr. Ed has nevah acted dat way befo. Mama T looked at him all evil and said, “She’s spayed.” But she said it so low, I was standin near her and almost didn hea what she said. Da man looked at Mama T like she don’t have dem all and backed away and said he was sorry it won’t happen again. Mama T said better not cos next time she’ll be prepared.

Whew, dat was a close one. I looked at Mama T an told her she betta get a grip cos she wasn’t on her J-O-B. She looked at me like, “Shut da f *** up,” so I turned around and started struttin down da skreet.

I just couldn’t believe dat horse was gonna try ta take my stuff.

Mama T: He isn’t a horse, Donna. He’s a dog, a great dane. They’re all big like him.

Da-yam! Fo real, Mama T? I thought he was bout ta make me get down wid da swirl. How come I ain’t nevah seen no dog like him befo?

Mama T: There are a lot of dog breeds that you haven’t seen before. Just keep living. I’m sure you’ll see even more.

Well I’ll keep livin if you keep bein yo bad, shut-you-mouth, super-Shaft self.

So anyway, we go on wid our walk an I can tell Mama T still pissed cos usually she sangin and snappin her hands an stuff an she look like she used to ride da short bus to school. Don’t get me wrong. Ain’t nuthin wrong wid ridin da short bus, specially if you like Damon Wayan’s Handi-Man. But Mama T, she ain’t no Handi-man wid her leggings and husband beaters and head wraps an Sketchers. If I was human an cared, I think I’d be embarrassed. But I ain’t human and I don’t care so . . .

On dis day she was quiet tho so she just look special but wasn’t actin special,  even tho she was chewin on her bottom lip. I left her alone and just kept eating grass an leaves an stuff. Bout 30 minutes into the walk, Mama T started to loosen up an I decided I needed to take a dump so we stop an I do my bidnez but befo I could finish dese two Rottweilers run out dey yard and pounce on me. Dey human woman came strollin out her doe on da phone an started waving her limp hand at dem. Mama T looked at her like, “WTF is wrong wid you” an den she asked her in dat quiet voice, “You gonna get your dogs or what?” She probly ain’t hea what Mama T said cos da woman smiled at Mama T and waved at da dogs again. So I’m squirmin on da groun tryna get lose cos I only give my stuff to guys who come correct. I’on wanna be like Ms. Celie an hafta tell y’all they died on topa me but I can’t get from unda neath dey fat azzes. Then Mama T reaches fo her belt again an this time she pulled out her stun gun and shot it in the air. Dem damn dogs jumped offa me and ran to dey house. Da human woman dropped her phone and started runnin towards us but Mama T gave her da same look she gave Mr. Ed’s human and da woman tripped ovah her feet and fell on her face. She hurry up an got up and she had a scratch on her face but she backed the hell up and went in da house an left her phone on da ground. As she was walkin away, Mama T told her next time won’t be no warning so she betta control her dogs. I bet da woman went in da house an tried to call da po-po but her phone was outside on da ground and she couldn’t. She was probly tellin all her friends about da crazy black woman dat used a stun gun on her dogs and pushed her to da ground cos y’all know she went and zaggerated da story.

Mama T think cos she grew up in East St. Louis she all bad or whatever. I keep tellin her she just ain’t met the right one yet. One a dese days she gonna run upon da wrong person an get spanked. In da meantime, I’m tryna figa out how ta chew threw dat damn leash so I can escape if I need to.

Mama T: Most dogs protect their humans. What happened to you?

Teehee. What you talkin bout, Mama T? You knew I was skiddish when you got me so don’t be tryna put me on blast.

When we got home, Mama T had to go in da basement to empty da de-humidier  and when she opened da door, there was a mouse sittin on da ledge. Mama T said, “Seriously?!?! WTF is goin on today?” Den she started talkin to da mouse like she was Michael Jackson and da mouse was Ben. Da mouse musta thought da same thing cos he just stood there and stared at her. I’on know what he thought she was saying but he started squealin like he was talkin to her an they was conversatin.  I looked at Mama T. Den I looked at da mouse and I shook my head. I know fo sho now dat Big Mama Betty Jean sho nuff done dropped Mama T on her head when she was little cos Mama T think she Mr. Doolittle. It’s bad enuf dat she and dat munchkin Taco talk e’ryday when she come home from work. Now dis?

E’ryday I watch her pull into the yard and start talkin to Taco askin him bout his day. And he hangs his tongue out and says, “Ha ha ha!” An she tells him how cute and special he is and he howls and ha ha’s an dey all lovey dovey and I get sick of it so I go out an try to say hi to Mama T an dammit if Taco don’t start hissin an growlin at me like he wanna cut me. Mama T say, “Now, Taco, play nice.” An he says, “ha ha ha” and whines and walks away and ignores me when I come up to da fence. Crazy azz dog.

Well anyway, back to Mama T an da mouse. She told him dat dis was her house and one of dem had ta go an it ain’t her and when she got back if he wasn’t gone, she was gonna have sumthin fo him. Da mouse just sat there. Mama T went and got her BB gun and she came back and stared at da mouse and said, “Told you to leave.” Den she held da gun like she was a gansta or somethin an shot da mouse in da head. 😮 She put on a pair of da surgical gloves she has for pickin up my poop, grabbed one of my poop bags, stuck her gloved hand in it, scooped up da dead mouse, took  it outside an threw it in da trash. I was spent an had ta go ta sleep cos it was just too much excitement fo one day.

Y’all, I swear Mama T done lost it an it’s all cos she workin wid a bunch of loonies.  Y’all betta do dat prayer circle thing y’all be doin and keep her covered cos she might end up in jail or on a funny farm thinkin she Rambo reincarnated. Den what Ima do? Unless one of y’all plannin ta take me in, y’all betta check in on her. So think of me an here’s some old skool Andre Crouch to remind ya.

Oh, by da way, why y’all emailing Mama T axin her questions bout me? Dis my blog an if you wanna know sumthin bout me, then post a comment. Don’t be emailin Mama T. Next time in da blog Ima answer all da questions Mama T got and any y’all choose to post to da comments. Afta dat, if y’all email Mama T an ask her anything bout me, don’t spect no response cos I don’t take too kindly to folk who ain’t know how ta follow directions.

Comprehende? Good.

Til next time,
Donna