“No more pain. No more pain. No drama (no more drama in my life). Noone’s gonna make me hurt again.” — Mary J. Blige
Hey y’all! Mahn, I had to beg Mama T ta write dis blog and she told me I had to keep it short so I’ll try. How y’all been? It’s been so long since we chatted. Lots to catch up on but I’ma start wid today.
Mama T took me to da park today and we wunt der a good 10 minutes befo we was surrounded by dogs. I ain’t talking two or three but five eleven dogs, y’all! Me and Mama T was standing in da middle and there was bout 6 noses pushing up my a$$! DAFUG?!?! I was like, ‘Yo, bishes. Dis ain’t no doggie porn. Back up off me!” And those mofos act like they ain’t heard me but started pushing dey noses further up my arse! Again, I ask, DaFUGGG, y’all?!?! So I sat my black and white arse down and dey was still tryna get a good wiff. Now y’all know Mama T be strapped and I was waitin for her to tase a bish but she just rolled her eyes an started cussing cos dem dogs ain’t sposed to be loose like dat in da park. Sign say “Leash at all times.” Mmmmhmmm….shole do. But people do what dey want when it comes to dey dogs.
So Mama T clapped her hands and told dem mutts to sit dey a$$es down. I am still amazed dat dogs listen to Mama T cos I’on be payin her no nevermine, but dey all sat down and Mama T rubbed each one behind da ear and told dem to go. And dey did. And here come dey lazy arse humans smiling like Mama T ain’t crazy and prepared to muck dey mutts up. Dey tried to talk to Mama T but she just dragged me to da car like it was my fault and took my arse home to finish da walk. She fahgat to take da pic when dey was around us but I reminded her to snap some as dey was walking away so she could show y’all how many it was.
So we walkin in da neighborhood an dis black pit comes charging towards me. I was like, “Aw hell nawl!” (I mean, who where da hell dey get a black pit? but also, ain’t nobody got time for no mess!) I started growling and baring my teeth (I kinda drooled and Mama T said I looked possessed), and Mama T pulled out all her ish and we was ready to rumble. But den da pit got close to us and realized we was crazy an he wasn’t ready! Not fo us he wunt. He tried to stop but couldn’t break his stride and dambed dog ran right into me! Dafug! (I like dat word, y’all!)
But I got up an I lit into his arse! It was AWESOME! Till Mama T pinched my nose (dafug you do dat fo, Mama T?).
Mama T: Dafug you fighting for, Donna? And stop saying, “Dafug”!
Dis my story, Mama T. Have seat.
So den his human came running, well her face looked like she wanted to run, but she had a cane/walker an could barely move. She had to stop and sit down before she even made it to the end of the porch. Mama T told Tar Baby (dat’s what I call da pit) to come and he started trotting behind her as we led him home. We made it to his house before his human even made it to da curb. Mama T had her, 
“You betta come correct” face on and da old lady tried to shake Mama T hand but Mama T just looked at it. I’on blame her. It mighta broke if Mama T had. I’on know why Mama T keep moving in dese neighborhoods where e’rybody be dead in 5 years but she acts old like dem so maybe dats it. *shrugs*
Well, da woman started talking bout how cute I am. I’m like, can we talk bout somethin I’on already know? Den she say dat all da dogs in the hood hate me cos I’m so plump and pretty. Me and Mama T look at each other and I ask Mama T, “Did she just call me fat?” cos she got dis weiner dog behind her that is so fat her belly draggin da ground. Dat’s fat fat; I’m fine phat so I’on know what she talkin bout. Mama T told me yep, she called me fat den she told Tar Baby’s human dat the dogs can hate me all dey want as long as dey stay away from me. If they attack she is willing to do what it takes to protect me. Sometimes I luhs Mama T. She be all Rifleman on dey arses. Da old lady looked like she wanted to clutch her pearls but she ain’t have none on and Mama T walked away before she could respond. I stutted behind Mama T smiling with much swag, but turned around and licked my tongue out at Tar Baby and Porkie. They wanna be me so bad. Such haters!
Mama T said it was too much going on so we were goin home cos drama is only good for Game of Thrones an a Mary J. Blige song. But we turn da corner and dem dambed dogs that attacked me were in da street yelping at some man who was just tryna get his run on. Dey human had dem both on leashes but it looked like he was bout to lose em. Da running man stopped and was looking like he was bout to pee his pants cos dem dogs was getting closer and closer to him an den dey human went down hard!
Next thing I know Mama T is standing there like she in da wild wild west and ready for a showdown. She got her taser in one hand and mace and knife in da other hand. And she whistled for the dogs to look at her. Dey did…….and ran dey a$$es home, draggin dey human behind dem cos his dum arse didn’t have sense enough ta let go da leads. I was a little mad dey ran, doe, cos I really wanted to see how Mama T was gonna use her 3 weapons with 2 hands. Guess I’ll have to wait until next time; I guarantee da way things be goin outchea, there will be a next time.
We made it home and nobody got bit, stabbed, tased or maced. Sigh…..I’ma eat and take a nap cos even doe ain’t nobody got hurt, dey wo me out.
Y’all hit me up if y’all want my take on somethin Mama T done told y’all bout me cos she cain’t tell it like I can. Holla back, y’all.
Love,
Donna
aintthatabtch 