“Be berry quiet. I’m huntin wabbits.” – Elmer Fudd

Hey, y’all. It has cooled off a lot and I’m glad too cos I’on know what I’d do if I had ta deal wid da heat til October. I’m still adjustin to dis new place but it’s startin to grow on me. An it looks more like da house in Henrico than da house in Hampton did, cept instead of a upstairs we got a downstairs. Mama T done unpacked mo stuff too; guess she don’t wanna be runnin in da basement foolin wid boxes e’rytime she need something to wear.

So, I said I’d tell y’all ‘bout my first impressions. I wrote a song about it. Like to hea it? Here it go . . .

On da day we arrived, I was ret ta get outta dat damn car an as soon as Mama T opened da hatch, I jumped out. Da landlady showed us round but I ain’t go down in dat basement. An I still ain’t gone down there. Da last time I was in a basement was when Mama T locked me in da basement in Hampton afta I made her fall off da ladder. I had nightmares fa days afta dat AND I ended up wid a tapeworm so no basements fa me.

Anyway, da landlady told Mama T da storm doe be stickin sumtime an be careful when she go out. Den she gave Mama T da key an left. Mama T had Lowes deliver some fencing so I could run round da yard an not go in da skreet an get hit so she went outside ta see where she was gonna put da fencing an da doe slammed behind her an got stuck. I was in da house an Mama T was outside an we couldn get to each other. Mama T pulled an pulled an I was yellin, “Pull harder! Dang on it, Mama T. Get me da hell outta hea!” But dat damn doe wudn budge. 😦 So Mama T stroll across da skreet an introduce huhself to da neighbor. Den she ax if she could borrow a screwdriver cos she locked huhself outta da house. Dude looked at her like, “Hmmm, where she learn how to use a screwdriver to get into a house?” But he loaned her one. Mama T came back across da skreet, unscrewed 2 screwed and wallah! Da doe opened. It took like 2 minutes an she was strollin back cross da skreet to return da screwdriver. Neighbor dude say, “WOW! You’re finished already?” He probly went in da house and started da phone tree ta let e’rybody know a black woman just moved in an she can get into a locked house in 2 minutes flat! Umm hmm . . .

Mama T came back an started putting da fencing in but when she opened da doe to get da last piece, I bolted an charged outta da yard. Neighbor dude an his fam was outside (cos you know they checkin out what Mama T doin) an his kids start chasin me, so I turn round an chase them. Den they turn round an chase me. “Da wheels on da bus go round an round, round an round, round an round, round an round.” Man, dis went on for a minute. Den I peeped a rabbit an said ta hell wid dem kids an I was off. I musta been out 30 minutes or mo chasin an bein chased. If we was in da old hood, Mama T wud a been in da house sippin on black tea an nibbling on some Walker’s butter cookies waitin fa me ta come home. But instead, she was outside pretendin to care cos she didn want da new neighbors ta think black people trifling. I say, “Mama T, why you’on care what they think bout you?” She say they can kiss her grits but she gotta represent black folk so she out there fake smiling an fake worryin but I saw her face an she gave me dat, “Donna, I’m sick of you –ish an Ima show you just how much when I get yo black an white azz home.” So, I was like, “Whelp, might as well enjoy my freedom while I can.”

I was getting thirsty but I couldn go home cos Mama T woulda beat my azz so I kept on roamin the hood. Dat is til I came cross Steven Tyler’s daddy. Well, he look like what Steven Tyler might look like if he ain’t have no money for botox and frilly shirts. He came up to me an started talkin but I ain’t heard a word he said. I was mesmerized. He stuck his hand out an I licked it. Yummmmm . . .

Then he started walkin an I was fascinated cos he had on some skinny jeans an his legs look like 2 pencils wrapped in denim. So you know I had to follow him. Next thing I know, Mama T hookin me up to my leash an draggin my azz home. I was like, “Don’t leave me, Mr. Steven. Where you live so I can come see you sometime?” But Mama T ol jealous butt just kept on pullin til she got me home. She was too tied to yell at me. She just locked us in da house an she went ta sleep.

We be walkin e’ryday an I ain’t seen Mr. Steven no mo but I know where he live. I’m tempted to go poop in his yard an let him know I was there but Mama T would just pick it up so it would be wasted effort. Sigh . . .

Mama T say she gonna go to church next week. She ain’t been ta church since we left Henrico. She be goin to Bedside Baptist. Sometimes Tony Evans preach, sometimes Charles Stanley, sometimes Kay Arthur. This mo’nin Joel Olsteen was da guest minister an Mama T don’t like him cos she say his smile creep her out so she hooked up da computer to da TV an da next thing I know, we at St. Paul’s Baptist an Lance Watson bout ta preach. Mama T say I can’t be walkin durin da Word (she must miss usherin or something) so she made me go outside. I killed 2 wabbits while I was out there. When we first moved in, I peeped dis bunny and it ain’t know to run from me so when I pounced on it, Mama Wabbit came out an tried ta distract me. I thought, “Awww, ain’t that cute. She tryna protect her little baby. Dat’s so sweet.” An den I killed her too. An yep, they was sweet. Taste just like chicken.

Whelp, I’s tied. I done got my walk on, poop on, my eat on, an my praise on. Now it’s time ta get my sleep on befo I get my huntin on.

Happy Mother’s Day to all da moms, aunts, an baby mamas. An RIP Big Mama Betty Jean.

Later that year at the turn of spring,
Heaven sent angels down and gave Grandma her wings.
Now, she’s flyin’, and slidin’, and glidin’
In better days
– Dianne Reeves “Better Days”

Cheerio,
Donna