My Year in Review

 *******************************Author’s Note: A shorter version of this post will appear in the 2011 Williams Family Newsletter. I’on know when Mama T gonna send it but y’all can look for it befo Christmas.***************************

  

Can y’all believe da year almost ovah? I just don’t know where da time done gone. I was just sitting here laughin wid Mama T about how I be gettin on her last nerve (she say dat all da time but how many last nerves do a person have, really?). Anyway, did I tell y’all bout da time dat Mama T tried ta abandon me? Yep, she sho did. See, what had happened was aftah da Michelin Man incident, me an Mama T started walkin in da woods so dat I could explore my natural huntin instincts wid out me embarrassin her (so she thought). Well, anyway, dis man was huntin in da woods an he shot a deer. Me and Mama T strolled up to da man an while Mama T was talkin ta him bout deer meat (what it taste like, how you cook it, how many pounds he was gonna get out of dis one deer, et cet ter ra), I was nawin away at one of da deer’s leg. When it broke off from da body, I tried to run but fa got I was strapped ta Mama T an I came bouncing back like I was on a bungee cord and bumped right into Mama T, pushin her into da man an he bumped into a tree. Me an Mama T started fightin ovah da leg but I wudn let go so da man told Mama T ta let me have it. He told her he was doubling his offer ta buy me an Mama T say, “Right now I’m thinking that I should be paying you to take her off my hands instead of you offering me $5,000. But I don’t like to make decisions in anger so let me think on it and get back to you.” I was like, “Yeah right, Mama T. You know yo life was BOR-RING before me so stop playin an let’s get outta hea so I can eat my deer leg.”

Da woods was bout 2 miles from home but I was on a mission an I was nearly runnin tryna get home. I say “nearly” cos I had to drag Mama T’s fat azz along wid me but she kept up. Na dat was a sight ta see. Mama T wid her leggins and husband beater an head wrap and me wid da deer leg in my mouth. People was honkin at us sayin, “Hey, Baby Girl. Yo dog a trip. What she got in her mouth?” An, “Hey, Donna. Yo go, girl.”  I nodded a quick, “Sup” an kept on rollin. Da leg was bout long as my tapeworm and bout wide as Mama T’s leg so I kept hittin her in da shin an she had a little deer blood on her leggins. Mama T was cussin when we finally got home but I ain’t care. I just wanted ta eat. I couldn’t get da leg thru da pet doe and Mama T wudn open da doe so I had ta sit down on da deck an enjoy it. Mama T went in da house an called some of her friends. I heard her askin dem how come they ain’t tell her how crazy dogs are. Her friends say dogs ain’t crazy, just me. Dat I’m special. Very special indeed. 😉

Well, da next day me an Mama T walked to da woods an Mama T took off my harness and collar an told me to go find dinner. I peeped a fat, walrussy lookin animal an took off. Mama T took off too cos when I caught da animal and turned roun ta show it ta her, she was gone. I called out, “Oww woof woof, Mama T!!!!! Where you at? Arrrrrrfffffffff, Mama TTTTTTTTTTTTT?” I thought she was lost in da woods. I tried ta find her but couldn so I went home ta wait for her there. Mama T showed up bout 15 minutes later an y’all shudda seen her face. She was like, “Donna? What the . . . what are you doing here?”

“I live here. What you mean ‘what I’m doin hea?’ Where you been? I tried ta save you some but you took too long an I was hungry.” She looked so sad. I really will tryn save her some next time.

Mama T: That is not why I was sad.

Oh, I know why you was sad.  I’on know why you thought I wudn come home. Two days after you first brought me home, I got out da backyard in a snow storm an I came knockin on da front doe when I was done playin a few hours later so you shudda knowd dat afta a year I can find my way home from anywhere. Sides, I’on want dat hunter man ta shackle me up an change my name from Donna to Miss Kizzy. I ain’t givin up dis gig. I’on care if Mama T put me on a boat an send me to Alaska to checkout Russia from Sarah Palin’s porch, you bettah believe Ima find my way back home an probly befo Mama T get back.

Y’all know humans get on my nerves sumtimes but I just wanna put dis out there. Y’all sposed ta be so smart but answer me dis . . . canines done convinced y’all to feed, clothe, house, educate (train), an medicate us an pick up our poop an all we have ta do is eat, sleep, poop, pee, an lick y’all face (cept Mama T) but y’all da smart ones? Well canines must be some freakin geniuses.

Me an Mama T done worked thru our issues an we accept dat we gonna be together for awhile. An I’m glad too cos I love my life an I have had quite a year. Let’s see:

I almost sliced my paw off when I stepped on a broken 40 oz. Triflin mofos. I had ta get 6 stitches an stay off my paws for a week. Mama T had to carry me out ta go an I got ta sleep in her bed da entire week but I was glad when da week was ovah.

A month or so afta do stitches, I bit into Mama T’s can of mace and spent da evenin at da vet emergency room pewkin. Y’all know Mama T be strapped, well sorta. She got her stun gun and mace on dat belt she be wearin. One day da mace fell off da belt an Mama T didn hear it so when she went in da house, I wanted to see what it was an I ain’t got no hands so I had to pick it up wid my mouth. My teefis punctured da can an aw Lawd, my mouth was on fi-yer! I ran in da house and was spittin up an gaggin an coughin an Mama T was like, “Girl, what’s wrong with you? Stop playing.” An when I started foamin at da mouth, Mama T went outside an found da can an rushed me to emergency. They gave me sumthin that had me throwin up all night. Woohhh, chile. Dat was sum kinda pain. Worse than when I got my azz kicked by P-Funk. But I was fine da next day. Mama T say I’m costin her a grip, an I told her she can take me back to da woods if she want. Hahahaha!

Let’s see. What else? I found love and lost it. Charlieeeeeeeeeeeee! I’m so lonely for ya!


Mama T: Didn’t I see you getting a little “friendly” with Chance the other day?

Uh, what dat got ta do with anything? I done tol you dat urges ain’t got nuthin ta do with love. An you ain’t nevah gonna hear me callin out Chance’s name.

Y’all probly wanna know bout my new side piece. Well, turns out there’s 3 dogs in Taco’s house. Taco, Chance and Dirty Harry. Dirty Harry bout 18 years old an he look like a dirty cotton ball. He a little bitty dog, like Taco sposed ta be. An y’all should see him when he walk. Y’all know how some old men walk wid they cane: take a step, kick da leg out, take anutha step, kick da leg, step, kick, step, kick, and so on. Dat’s how Dirty Harry walk. It take him a whole hour to get from da back yard to da front an he be lookin so pitiful when he finally make it. But he so old he can’t sit down or he won’t get up so he just stan there wheezin, tryna catch his breath. Bout 20 minutes later he make the hour trek back to da backyard. I get tired just watchin him. But Chance bout 8 years old an he a big pit bull. Kinda remind me of my boy Cesar. Well, one day Chance jumped da fence ta get wid me an Mama T tried to pick him up. I think she pulled a muscle cos she had da worst frown on her face an she was holdin her back bout a week. She say he feel like he weigh 75 pounds. He look like he weigh 100. Now he just wait til Mama T gone ta jump da fence an we groove e’ry *chance* we get. Tehehe! Oh, an guess what? Crazy azz Taco jealous. Y’all should see him hissin at Chance when Chance get too close to da fence an as big as Chance is, he act like he scairt of dat crazy dog. But now when Mama T come home an I go up to greet her, Taco be tryna play kissy face with me through da fence. Men sumthin else, ain’t they? They don’t want you till sumbody else does. Umm hmmm . . .

But back to my year . . . I moved to Hampton. Experienced my first hurricane. Had a tapeworm. And became da new face of canine obesity.

But don’t cry for me, Argentina. life for me ain’t been no crystal stair, but da wood floors all buff and shiny. Hampton not bad as I thought. I like being close to da water, an I discovered I really like seafood. I got 3 hots, 5 cots, all the toys I want an health insurance. That’s more than a lot of people can say.

I get ta walk to da beach e’ry week an play in da sand (it’s just like snow ‘cept it’s heavier and snow don’t make me gag when I swallow it). I spend my days ponderin life’s questions like: what is the point of a gnat? Why do painters where white? Do they think they clothes is a canvass? An why do turtles’ head look like Mama T’s toe?

One day when we came home from a walk, dis turtle was in da back yard. I was tryna figa out how Mama T got her toe in da rock when da toe disappeared in da rock. I was like, “Whoaaaaaaaaaaa, Mama T. You see dat? What da . . . how you do dat? How come yo toe up in dat rock? An where it go?” But befo she could answer, da toe popped out again. Scared da hell outta me an Mama T snapped dis pic so she could tease me bout bein fraid of a turtle. No shame in my game.

Man, I hope I go to heaven when da time come cos I got a lotta questions for God.

Well, Mama T say I gotta wrap dis thang up but me an Mama T writin da remix of Twas Da Night Befo Christmas, dat’s part 2. Ima send dat to y’all da next time.

Happy Hanukkah,
Donna