My First Love

“I’m catchin’ hell livin’ here alone. I never realized that you mean so much to me. I’m catchin’ hell livin’ here alone. I just want you to come back, Baby. Come back ‘cause here’s where you belong.” – Natalie Cole

 

Hey, y’all. Whacha know good? I been in such a funk lately. I miss my boo, Charlie, sum’n fierce. Mama T said I need to get a grip and sang myself happy like she do so I started sangin: Wade in da water. Irene in da water, chil’ren. Wade in da water. Irene came an troubled da water . . . When I look back over my life and I think thangs ovah, I can truly say dat I been blest I got a testimony . . .  I feel betta so much betta since I laid my burdens down . . . If you wanna know where I’m goin, where I’m goin soon. I’m goin up yonder . . . Next thang I know, I was slain in da spirit. 

Whew! Yes, Lawd. Thank ya! So now I feel like Tony da Tiger: GRR-ATE! And I’m tryna look at things more positive and learn to be content wid what I got. But it’s hard when my boo all da way in Henrico. Anybody ever been in love? Ain’t nuthin like the real thang. No dey ain’t, is dey?

Me an Charlie first met back in March. I was 2 years old an he was 5 months old. Mama T say I was robbin da cradle but ain’t no dog I know sleep in no cradle so I’on know what she talkin bout. Mr. Demetrius say Ima cougar but a cougar is a cat and I eat dem for dinner so I’on know what he talkin bout either. But what Charlie an I got was da real deal an age ain’t nuthin but a number; just ask R. Kelly.

Mama T: Mr. Kelly is a pedophile. A musical genius, but a pedophile nonetheless. 

Mama T, how y’all gonna tryta act like canines one day den tryta act like y’all betta dan us the next? I know dat’s why you won’t take me to see Planet of da Apes. You scairt Ima flip the scrip an you da one end up walkin behind me on a leash. Y’all humans get on my nerves.

But I digress . . . back to me an Charlie . . . me an Mama T was walkin down his street when I sniffed out a new dog. I started draggin Mama T to his yard an he charged us. His humans had him chained to a tree but he wiggled out his collar and jumped da fence. And no, jumpin a fence ain’t like jumpin da broom. We practice free luv in da animal kingdom. Some of y’all done tried it so you know how good it be. Me an Charlie knew it was real love, da Mary J. Blige kind. But he didn’t come to me correct at first so I had to check him and make him say my name say my name.

He tried to pounce me like he was runnin thangs but once I flipped him over and showed him what’s what, he go in line and it was all good after dat.

Mama T knocked on his doe to let his humans know he was out but they didn answer. She didn trip cos y’all know Rule #3 and since she ain’t openin her doe fo nobody who ain’t call first, she understand dem not openin da doe fo her.

Charlie was runnin round like he ain’t got no home trainin, but Mama T got him to follow us home so he wouldn get hit by a car and me an him ran round the back yard befo Mama T fed us and Charlie went to sleep.  Mama T picked him up and put us in da car an drove Charlie home. When we got to his house, Mama T told his human woman what had happened and da woman said she would make sure he didn’t get out no mo. NOT! He got out e’ry day. Mama T tried to get him to go back in his yard, but my luvin too good to pass up. So, Mama T started carryin a extra leash and harness wid her so when he got out, she could strap him to her belt too.

Me and Charlie would have a good ole time. I don’t think Mama T had as much fun cos she kept trippin over us as we were frolickin and tryna hump each other while walking. But she did get some muscles in her arm from pullin us apart.

Charlie’d jump the fence. Mama T would chain him to her. He’d finish our walk wid us den we go home, hump, eat, sleep and Mama T den drive him back to his house. Life was good. This went on fo a minute.

Mama T: About a month.

Dat what I say. Dang. Anyway, one day we was walking but Mama T didn see Charlie and she kept on walkin past his house but I was whinin then I started howlin. My Charlie was dyin, y’all, and didn nobody care. I guess Charlie’s humans got tired of him runnin off wid us e’ry mo’nin so they tried to concoct some kinda chain to keep him in the middle of the yard, but Charlie’s love fo me was so skrong, he got the chain to extend to the fence . He tried to jump the fence but the chain wasn’t long enuf fo him to make it ovah so he was hangin over the fence choking!

I was freakin out, y’all. “Aw, Lawd, don’t take my boo. Charleeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Mama T, hep him. Pleesssssssss. Sum bodeeeeee!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Charleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Aw,  Lawd!”

Mama T: Always the drama queen.

Well it takes one black pot to know what to call one kettle.

Mama T: It’s . . . sigh . . . never mind.

Thank you. So, where was I? Oh yeah . . . Mama T looked at me and told me to stop acting silly, but then I grabbed my leash and put it in my mouth and started pulling her towards Charlie. When she looked up and saw him choking, she ran and saved him. We was both so happy he wasn’t dead, Mama T even let him lick her arm, and she hates it when dogs lick her cos we eat poop – well sum of dem do 😉 but not me 😀 — so whenever a dog lick her she wiping herself down wid a hand wipe. She take dem things e’rywhere (eyes rolling).

She picked Charlie up and stroked him and made sure he was ok. Then she held him to me so I could lap some kisses on him and let him know he still my boo. Then Mama T banged on his house doe so hard I thought it was gonna fall (‘member, she got muscles now from workin out wid me and Charlie). When Charlie’s human woman came out, Mama T ripped her a new one (dis why she didn make it thru Lent).

When Charlie was hangin from da fence, I wanted to kill da woman. But standing beside Mama T as she called dat woman some names I don’t even know what that mean, I peed myself I felt so bad for her. I think that woman peed herself too. Matter fact, Mama T was the only one standin there dry. But da woman must not wanna hear or see Mama T again cos the next day when we went by Charlie’s house, his humans had finally took Mama T’s advice and got him a harness that he couldn’t get out of. Dey also had him in a choke collar. Mama T was cussin when she saw the collar, “The dog almost died and they put him in a choke collar? I should go kick their azzes. The f#ck wrong with them?” She said some other stuff too but she was goin so fast I couldn catch it all.

It was the saddest thing, y’all. Charlie in the middle of his yard wailin. Me on the other side of the fence wailin. The neighbors all came out to see what was goin on. I tried to tell dem but my heart was breakin and it just came out, “Errrr-ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, wah-wahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!” They asked Mama T and she said, “Where do broken hearts go? Can they find their way home? Back to the open arms of a love that’s waiting there. And if somebody loves you, won’t they always love you? I look in your eyes and I know that you still care for me.”

Mama T: That is not what I said. 

Well, dat’s what I heard. So, the neighbors say, “Get da f*ck outta here! Dem dogs whinin cos dey in love and cain’t get to each other?” Yep. Sho was.

After a week of walking by Charlie’s house and not being able to ride him, I decided it was time to groove wid somebody dat’s available and asked Mama T for a play date wid Cesar. When he came over, I wore his butt out. He was runnin tryna to get away from me. I don’t know bout Cesar, but I had some fun dat day. Yes, sirree. I thur-row-ly enjoyed myself. But, look at him, pantin an stuff. Don’t he look tied? Guess he gettin too old fo all dat.

Then I met Tasmanian Devil and y’all know how that turned out. And there was Blackball (guess I don’t havta tell y’all why Mama T called him dat!). And some one-night stands. Don’t get me wrong, I still love Charlie but a dog’s got needs and it ain’t got nothin to do wid love.

Mama T: Hmmm . . . I think I’ve heard some humans say that. Perhaps that’s why humans are sometimes called “dogs”?

Look, Mama T. I done tol you I don’t ‘preciate y’all humans tryna act like us. We be what we is and how we tend to our needs ain’t got nuthin to do wid y’all.

Mama T: True. But do you have to be such a floozy?

Floozy? Me? This from the woman who ain’t dated in a decade?

Mama T: Uh . . . Excuse you. I had several dates last year, thank you very much.

Oh yeah . . . ahahahaaaa . . . that’s right . . . teeheehee . . . Mama T tried to get down with the swirl last year, y’all. She went out for a minute with a white man. Po thang. He was already a little suspect befo Mama T. Now he’s completely certifiable.

White men, lis’n up. If y’all thinkin bout takin a little detour to find out the real deal, y’all need to ease into it. You cain’t go from drinking chai tea to a Venti 1 pump caramel, 1 pump white mocha, 2 scoops vanilla bean powder, extra ice mocha frappuccino with 2 shots poured over the top with caramel drizzle under and on top of the whipped cream, double cupped. Uhn uhn . . . don’t even think bout it. You take some baby steps and start with a tall chai latte first. Maybe a month or two later you can try a grande mocha frappuccino. But don’t go all out at first. If you do, you gonna give yo’self a stroke or end up like ol’ dude in the corner of a padded room with a straight jacket on bangin yo head against the wall talkin bout, “Hey, hey, hey.You told Harpo to beat me? What you talkin’ bout, Willis? Til you do right by me, e’rything you even think bout gonna fail. I pity da fool. Elizabeth, I’m comin to join you honey.” Trust me, you don’t want that.

You should ask a brotha fo some advice . . . hold up. Wait a minute. Some of dem ain’t right either and you might ask the wrong one and end up gettin yo feelins hurt so just check wid me. I won’t lead you stray. Mama T an her kind is an acquired taste. You cain’t come up to dem talkin bout “For entertainment purposes only.” She gonna send you home cryin to yo mama, and when she do, don’t say I didn warn you. You don’t run e’rythang so be careful.

But back to me and Charlie . . .

Da last time I saw Charlie, he was still whinin in the middle of his yard tryna figure out howta get out of that harness. He don’t know he can chew his way out (he a little slow). I been tryna tell him how I ate thru 5 leashes an harnesses befo Mama T went an researched leashes an harnesses for strong chewers like me. I’on know why she couldn’t leave well enuf alone. I could get to my Charlie if I still had one of dem cheap leashes. But Charlie’s harness and leash cheap cos his dumb azz humans don’t know no betta an he don’t know any betta either so we be fo’evah separated by da fence. Boohoo . . .

Yeah, I still love Charlie and I miss him sumthin terrible. And this long weekend gonna be hard on me but I will survive. Just need to find me a male or two to hep me out a bit. Y’all know any canines in Hampton? But none of dem crazy chimmy changas.

Oh, Charlie. It was so good while it lasted. I want you to know dat long as I live you always be my first love.

This song’s for you, Charlie. Kicking it old skool cos Angela Winbush is da truf! MWAH!

Always and fo’evah,
Donna