Aw, Lawd. Y’all, what has Mama T done done to me? I’ve been coughin and gaggin for two weeks cos of smoke from some wildfire somewhere in some other city. Then there was an earthquake. And now this? We holed up in a hotel cos the new house is on the bay and we had to get out. Po-po bangin on the door at 3 0’clock in the mo’nin talkin ‘bout “Get out!” Unlike the crazy white folk in Amityville Horror, we got the heck out of dodge! – Why don’t white people leave? Y’all think y’all got 9 lives or somethin’? Leave, y’all. L-E-A-V-E! SMDH.

This sucks. ROYALLY! I was just thinkin that I might one day end up likin this place. Not no mo. I mean, I do find the birds fascinatin. Just the other day I tried to drag Mama T into the bay to get this bird that was just standin there.

We got to the rocks and Mama T was like, “Uhn uhn. I ain’t breaking my neck for you to try to chase a bird that will fly away.” I was so mad at her cos the only reason he’d get away is cos she got me strapped to her like we in some kinda chain gang. The men around here say Ima bird dog and they might be right cos my mouth just waters every time I see all the birds on the sea.

Mama T: You are a hunter. Deer, rabbits, possum, birds. It doesn’t matter; they all make your mouth water. You don’t care what you hunt as long as you can eat it when you’re done.

Tru dat, Mama T. Tru dat. So . . . uh oh . . . what was that?!

Lawd, this storm is gonna give me a heart attack. I cain’t do this e’ry year. Got my acid reflux all stirred up. Mama T keeps pushin me in the bathroom cos she thinks Ima spit up when I start heavin, but I don’t wanna be in that little room. What if water starts comin out of the toilet?

Mama T: Why would that matter? You eat poop.

Ahem . . . Just like a cheatin husband, I deny, deny, deny those charges. 😀

Befo we left the house, the wind came roarin through the flap on my pet door and the flap just hung in the air for a minute. I started howlin at it: ah-ooooooooo…woo-woo-woooooooooooo…Mama T thumped me on my head and told me to stop actin like Ima a wolf and go sit my butt down somewhere so she could finish packin. Y’all know I just ig’d her and kept on howlin’. Woowoowooooooooooooo . . .

Then she tried to make me go outside in the rain to get in the car so we could come to the hotel. I ran from her cos it looked scary out there. Mama T refuses to chase me cos she read somewhere that coonhounds think that if you run, we’re supposed to chase you. Yep, we do. So she created this game and she’ll bend down and squint her eyes and look at me like she’s ‘bout to attack and say, “Gotcha!” And silly me I think it’s play time so I charge her and every freakin time she grabs my butt and strong arms me into a headlock and carries me where she wants me to go, this time to the car. Wuss I am, I don’t even try to fight it. What’s the use? Besides, she says I’m gettin too fat for her to keep carryin so Ima just bide my time.

I was so nervous durin the drive. I didn’t know if we would make it. Lawd, the world is comin to an end.

Mama T: Donna, stop being such a drama queen. It was barely drizzling when we left.

Yeah, but yo human senses don’t know what I know and when we got to the hotel, we could barely see anything.

Mama T: That was only for a few minutes then it eased up a bit. If you were so afraid, why did you wake me up to take you out for a walk? In the rain? For 40 minutes?

Oh . . . well . . .  I had to handle  my bidnezz and then when we got out there I smelled somethin sweet and had to roll around in it. But I’m done talkin to you, Mama T. You the reason I’m in this situation so leave me alone and let me tell the fam what’s goin on.

So here we are in this room and Mama T actin like she on vacation or somethin. We got here ‘bout 5AM and after Mama T unpacked and got me settled, she crawled in the bed and didn’t wake up til 9AM! I woke her up cos I had to go. Y’all know she usely up for good at 5AM so she must be tied.

Mama T: You are wearing me out!

Luv you too, Mama T.  MWAH! So, after our walk in the rain, she came back and was tryna read some book befo I started buggin her ‘bout bloggin to y’all. I don’t know how she stays so calm. She says that whatever is gonna happen will happen whether she worries or not so why give herself an ulcer? (Umph . . . eyes rollin). I say the world is comin to an end and Ima worry cos I don’t know if I’ll be chillin or burnin …

Mama T: Burning.

Wasn’t nobody talkin to you! And if I’m burnin, you’ll be right in line behind me.

Sidebar: she just mad cos I made her fall off the ladder last week when she was tryna hang some curtains. I didn’t know black people bruised but her arms got these huge black spots all over them and she been limpin around more than she was befo. Yeah, makin her fall is just one of the reasons I might be burnin.

So I’m in the hotel runnin back and forth between the window and Mama T and she keeps tellin me to stop cos I’m workin her last nerve. As if I care. THE WORLD IS COMIN TO AN END!!!!!

Mama T: Donna, stop acting crazy and sit down somewhere. Keep talking like those crazy whack jobs downtown and you’ll end up in a straight jacket.

There some truth in some craziness, Mama T.

Mama T: Touché, Donna.  Touché.

To what? What she talking ‘bout? The storm got her speaking in tongues!

When Mama T was growin up, Big Mama Betty Jean used to say that when it was stormin the Lord was doin His work. I asked Mama T what that mean and she say that the elders used to say that thunder is God clappin His hands; lightnin is Him snappin His fingers; and rain is His tears from the grief that we cause Him. Well, He must be plenty griefed cos it looks like He turned the sea upside down and is drainin all the water from it on us. I wonder if there’ll be any fish and crab in the street when He’s done? I don’t like eatin dead things that I didn’t kill, but I will roll around in them, so that won’t be much fun for me. How long y’all think it’ll take to drain? I’m ret to go!

Oohhhhhhhhh . . what was that? Y’all, please pray for me cos I’m so frazzled that at the rate I’m goin, Ima leave here completely white and men won’t be stoppin me sayin what a good lookin dog I am. Lawd, please don’t let that happen. What Ima do if I don’t have my looks?

Puff, puff, puff, deep breaths. Deeeeepppp breathsssssssssss . . . Hep me, Lawd.

You said when the storm came, You would be there wid Yo um-bella to block the rain. And You said You’d protect me . . . Where You at? Lawd, where You atttttttttttttttttttttt?!?!?!

Puff, puff, puff, deep breaths. Deeeeepppp breathsssssssssss . . . Hep me, Lawd.

Pray for me. Pray for me. Oh my brother, pray for me. When you bow at the alter, please don’t forget to pray for me.

I just jumped on the bed and tussled it a bit. I think Ima try to sleep for a minute. I’ll holla back when I can think skrait.

Puff, puff, puff, deep breaths. Deeeeepppp breathsssssssssss . . . Hep me, Lawd.

Pleeeeeeeesssssssssssssssssssssssssss,

Donna